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A couple weeks ago my friend T was over and he said, "do you know you have a reputation?" I was curious just what kind of reputation I have, so he told me people seem to know me one of two ways:

"Adrian's ex"

"that rice queen"

Now, T thought this was pretty cool, because people whom I don't actually know, know who I am. For me, though, it wasn't such great news. It wasn't "he's a nice guy" or "I hear he's a good friend" or "that's the guy who runs marathons all over the place"...no, it was those other things.

I'd like to think I'm a good person and it would be nice if other people saw this too. If I'm going to be known as "Adrian's ex" I guess that's OK, though I'd rather be known for who I am than for whom I'm not. The rice queen label bothers me more...it's really not a term of endearment, and it conjures up images of white guys who take advantage of Asian guys, using them, sleeping their way through the city one Gaysian at a time. I'm not like that, and it bothers me to be labeled like that. At least, if I'm going to have that label, I'd like to be having the sex that goes along with it haha.

I realize that what people who don't know me think of me shouldn't really matter, but it does for a couple reasons. First, it means people whom I do know have obviously talked about me, and these are the things they use to identify me. I wish my better qualities were seen as more important, and it's unfortunate they've chosen to highlight these parts of me. Second, let's face it, I'd like to meet someone again someday, and how many people out there will avoid meeting me because they've heard something about me that sounds less-than-complimentary? A reputation as a rice queen, or as somebody's ex, doesn't really suggest someone is the kind of guy you want to date. Lastly, I think because I have felt so disconnected from people this year, there hasn't been enough positive stuff to outweigh something negative like this.

On the plus side, T called me yesterday after a party at my place just to tell me how much he likes me and how important I am to him, and that's very nice to hear (OK, come to think of it, he did have a small favor to ask too lol). But he went on to say "you're such a great guy, I don't know why more people don't see that," and that didn't exactly make me feel great. What was better was when Linh told me later that one of his friends, whom I've met a couple times and with whom I chatted at a film Thursday night, was going on about what a nice guy I am, how she'd always thought so but really realized it Thursday. I thought that was so nice to hear, and very unexpected.

If the bad stuff gets me down, I'll let the good stuff bring me up again. Let's just hope there's more good stuff than bad. :-)