Thursday, December 29, 2011
Time for a New Adventure
I'm writing this in the United Club at Newark Airport, having completed the first (and by far the shortest!) leg of my trip. I'm on my way to a new life in Singapore.
Wow.
OK, maybe not a "new" life, since my life has been one of constantly moving to new places. But when I look at where I was a year ago, and where I am today, things are a lot different, thats for sure. And when compared to two years ago, well, I don't even recognize my life.
But opportunities arose in Singapore, both personally and professionally, and my teaching at Georgetown wasn't quite as much fun as I thought it would be, so I decided to jump on this chance. The job sounds like exactly what I'd like to be doing on my own someday, so this is a great chance to do it while someone else is paying the bills and get some good experience. And as for the personal side, well, there's a guy named Ben whom I met three years ago, and we've long wondered what could happen if we lived in the same city, so we're about to find out. So I'm going to jump on THAT opportunity as well. :-)
My sadness in leaving DC is countered by the excitement of trying something really new. One reason i chose Singapore for my Fulbright a few years ago was that it gave me the chance to "test drive" a city where I might want to live someday. Looks like it's all working out as planned, even though i didn't know what the plan was all along.
Here we go!!!!
Wow.
OK, maybe not a "new" life, since my life has been one of constantly moving to new places. But when I look at where I was a year ago, and where I am today, things are a lot different, thats for sure. And when compared to two years ago, well, I don't even recognize my life.
But opportunities arose in Singapore, both personally and professionally, and my teaching at Georgetown wasn't quite as much fun as I thought it would be, so I decided to jump on this chance. The job sounds like exactly what I'd like to be doing on my own someday, so this is a great chance to do it while someone else is paying the bills and get some good experience. And as for the personal side, well, there's a guy named Ben whom I met three years ago, and we've long wondered what could happen if we lived in the same city, so we're about to find out. So I'm going to jump on THAT opportunity as well. :-)
My sadness in leaving DC is countered by the excitement of trying something really new. One reason i chose Singapore for my Fulbright a few years ago was that it gave me the chance to "test drive" a city where I might want to live someday. Looks like it's all working out as planned, even though i didn't know what the plan was all along.
Here we go!!!!
Labels: Life, Living in SG, Relationships, Work
Friday, December 31, 2010
It's Been the Strangest Year
Do you ever have one of those years where you end up at a very different place from what you expected at the start? Yeah, it’s like that.
At the beginning of 2010 I was getting ready to be promoted to Colonel on July 1st, and go on to teach at a military university in Washington DC. But all of that changed. In March, I got word they were planning to send me to Baghdad instead, in a job that really would not make use of my talents and education. Not wanting to waste the next 3 years of my life (1 year in Baghdad, and no idea what would come next), I decided it was time to jump, and jump I did.
I’ve returned to my first love, teaching, at a major university in DC. I am about a million times happier than I was at the start of the year. The pay is not quite what I was used to, but my job satisfaction is so much greater. I am much, much happier doing this job than I have been in a long time, and that’s worth more than money.
I also started my own consulting firm, which I haven’t dome much with yet (the transition to teaching took a lot of my focus) but I expect to do something with that in the coming year.
This year I also moved to a new apartment, which has been fun. I’m in a better neighborhood, and in the same building as my best friend, which has been great.
Running went very well this year. Despite the problems I had with the Hong Kong Marathon in February, I recovered and went on to run the Flying Pig Marathon with Ethan in May. That was my first “run for fun, not for time” marathon, and it was great, despite the rain. In November, of course, I danced at the big dance by running in the New York City Marathon. I set a new Personal Record there, and in two years of running I’ve cut half an hour off of my marathon time, and with any luck the improvements will continue.
It’s been a big year for travel, but that’s not really new. As part of the Hong Kong trip I went on to Bangkok as well, to go to Thai massage school. A couple weeks later I flew off to Lisbon with Linh, the first time we’ve travelled together, and to a new place for both of us. Once I’d made the decision to retire and had some vacation time to use, I decided to visit Honolulu and use that as a jumping off point to return to Tokyo. That was pretty much it for a few months (well, except for some New York and San Francisco travel, and a great weekend in Boston visiting with Stan), but I’ll be spending New Year’s in Singapore and will go to Cambodia for a weekend…yay for the flexibility of an academic calendar!!
There are still things I didn’t really accomplish this year. I wanted to get better at photography, and didn’t really pursue that much. I’ve been trying to get to know more friends, and that’s gone a bit slower than expected.
But all in all it’s been good. I have gotten to know a couple new people, like Julian and Xiaohan and Kris, and finally got to know some of Linh’s Vietnamese friends, like Linh and Frank. I do see the potential to get to know some folks better, and that’s good, I really wanted to expand my circle. I dated some this year, and have met a couple very nice guys, so who knows how all that may work out. And of course, I can see again now that I finally gave myself the gift of LASIK.
Despite the huge transition this summer, which was very stressful at times, I’ve got to say it’s been a great year. Though I’m at a very different place from where I expected to be, I love the place I’m at, and am really happy with the way the year has worked out. I’ve had some “first time” experiences this year that have been everything I had hoped they would be, and I’m so happy to have some very wonderful people in my life.
As for next year…well I have some ideas, but as we saw this year, anything can happen…and it probably will.
Happy New Year!!!
At the beginning of 2010 I was getting ready to be promoted to Colonel on July 1st, and go on to teach at a military university in Washington DC. But all of that changed. In March, I got word they were planning to send me to Baghdad instead, in a job that really would not make use of my talents and education. Not wanting to waste the next 3 years of my life (1 year in Baghdad, and no idea what would come next), I decided it was time to jump, and jump I did.
I’ve returned to my first love, teaching, at a major university in DC. I am about a million times happier than I was at the start of the year. The pay is not quite what I was used to, but my job satisfaction is so much greater. I am much, much happier doing this job than I have been in a long time, and that’s worth more than money.
I also started my own consulting firm, which I haven’t dome much with yet (the transition to teaching took a lot of my focus) but I expect to do something with that in the coming year.
This year I also moved to a new apartment, which has been fun. I’m in a better neighborhood, and in the same building as my best friend, which has been great.
Running went very well this year. Despite the problems I had with the Hong Kong Marathon in February, I recovered and went on to run the Flying Pig Marathon with Ethan in May. That was my first “run for fun, not for time” marathon, and it was great, despite the rain. In November, of course, I danced at the big dance by running in the New York City Marathon. I set a new Personal Record there, and in two years of running I’ve cut half an hour off of my marathon time, and with any luck the improvements will continue.
It’s been a big year for travel, but that’s not really new. As part of the Hong Kong trip I went on to Bangkok as well, to go to Thai massage school. A couple weeks later I flew off to Lisbon with Linh, the first time we’ve travelled together, and to a new place for both of us. Once I’d made the decision to retire and had some vacation time to use, I decided to visit Honolulu and use that as a jumping off point to return to Tokyo. That was pretty much it for a few months (well, except for some New York and San Francisco travel, and a great weekend in Boston visiting with Stan), but I’ll be spending New Year’s in Singapore and will go to Cambodia for a weekend…yay for the flexibility of an academic calendar!!
There are still things I didn’t really accomplish this year. I wanted to get better at photography, and didn’t really pursue that much. I’ve been trying to get to know more friends, and that’s gone a bit slower than expected.
But all in all it’s been good. I have gotten to know a couple new people, like Julian and Xiaohan and Kris, and finally got to know some of Linh’s Vietnamese friends, like Linh and Frank. I do see the potential to get to know some folks better, and that’s good, I really wanted to expand my circle. I dated some this year, and have met a couple very nice guys, so who knows how all that may work out. And of course, I can see again now that I finally gave myself the gift of LASIK.
Despite the huge transition this summer, which was very stressful at times, I’ve got to say it’s been a great year. Though I’m at a very different place from where I expected to be, I love the place I’m at, and am really happy with the way the year has worked out. I’ve had some “first time” experiences this year that have been everything I had hoped they would be, and I’m so happy to have some very wonderful people in my life.
As for next year…well I have some ideas, but as we saw this year, anything can happen…and it probably will.
Happy New Year!!!
Labels: Friends, Life, Running, Travel, Work
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I Can See!!!!
After thinking about it for years, I finally took the plunge and got LASIK. The procedure was not too bad...only about 10 minutes long, with no pain and only the tiniest discomfort. (the rest of the afternoon was another story, but that's why I slept through it) I'd always heard people say "when I got up from the table I could see the clock" and yeah, I could see the clock...before the procedure, I couldn't even see the wall!
Linh's friends Linh and Frank volunteered to get me home, which was a huge help, as my eyes didn't want to open once I stepped outside. We got a cab and they got me back to my apartment before i took a pill and dropped off to sleep for 6 hours. I was fine when I got up.
It's been three weeks now and my eyesight is still stabilizing, and may be for another couple months. But I was able to go back to work the next day and spend the next 2 weeks grading papers, and everything worked out fine. It's so nice to be able to see without worrying about contacts or switching glasses (my near vision and distant vision require different prescriptions, which was the reason I finally made the decision to do this).
However, I know some people think I look better in glasses (and i think I look pretty good in them, especially the oes designed by my friend David in Malaysia), so I'll be putting clear glass lenses in some of my favorites and keeping them available as accessories. :-)
Linh's friends Linh and Frank volunteered to get me home, which was a huge help, as my eyes didn't want to open once I stepped outside. We got a cab and they got me back to my apartment before i took a pill and dropped off to sleep for 6 hours. I was fine when I got up.
It's been three weeks now and my eyesight is still stabilizing, and may be for another couple months. But I was able to go back to work the next day and spend the next 2 weeks grading papers, and everything worked out fine. It's so nice to be able to see without worrying about contacts or switching glasses (my near vision and distant vision require different prescriptions, which was the reason I finally made the decision to do this).
However, I know some people think I look better in glasses (and i think I look pretty good in them, especially the oes designed by my friend David in Malaysia), so I'll be putting clear glass lenses in some of my favorites and keeping them available as accessories. :-)
Labels: Life
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Achieving My Goals for the Year
I do a lot.
Between travel, friends, running, a demanding job, self-development, and more, I have a lot that I want to accomplish. One reason for having such an active life is that I know there will come a point when I may not have the chance to do a lot of new things, so I want to take advantage of the time I have now. One thing I've learned from some friends' and family members' health problems is that that day could be decades away, or it could be tomorrow; you never know. Another reason is, there are just so many things I want to do, so many things that seem interesting, and I want to try them all.
And so, I make goals.
This helps me figure out what I want to do, prioritize what’s important and what’s not, and forces me to think about how to accomplish things so I can better overcome obstacles. It’s not so much that I sit around making lists and plans and itineraries, but I do try to have an idea of what comes next.
Back on New Year’s I didn’t have resolutions, but I did have goals for this year. I met them. In fact, I pretty much met them back in August.
New job This didn't turn out quite the way I expected. Still, I certainly managed to change jobs! I've found that I'm about 1,000,000% happier now that I'm out of the military. I'm not sure it was being in the Air Force that was the problem, as it much as it was the position I was in for the last 4 years (c'mon, I volunteered to go to Afghanistan to get out of my office!). In any case, I really enjoy my work now, and that's made a huge difference in my general happiness.
Travel with Linh This one almost didn't work out even before I tried, but his work schedule became such that we were able to head somewhere after all. The next question was deciding where to go, knowing as we did that we wanted to visit a place neither had been to before, and so we ended up with a fantastic week in Lisbon, Portugal. I've traveled alone a lot, and with a partner or boyfriend back when I had one, but traveling with friends is fairly new for me, and I like it!!
Explore emerging interests I'm slowly getting back into photography. It's fun, and I like grabbing my camera and going for a walk, though it certainly isn't second nature yet to start photographing at random. But I'm getting there. I also went to Bangkok and studied Thai massage, which some of my friends back here have appreciated a lot!
Run a marathon for fun Back in May ET and I flew off for a weekend in Cincinnati to run the Flying Pig Marathon. This was my "run for fun" race, which I really needed after running for time in Hong Kong and instead getting to know the paramedics afterwards. I tend to have a little more endurance in my legs than ET so he started fading at Mile 18 while I was still thinking we could set a new Personal Record. Rather than take off and leave him, though, we kept running together, which made for a GREAT finishing effort (never mind that he told me to shut up as I was encouraging him at the end lol).
Start a business I created a consulting firm in August. I haven't done much with it yet, as I've been settling into my teaching job, but I anticipate some cool opportunities in the next year.
Sometimes, new goals will emerge…it isn’t just a New Year’s thing. For example, I made the decision to run this year’s New York City Marathon, and that turned out pretty well.
When I was a kid I was one of those pretentious little twerps who tried to organize the other kids into things. I remember my mom telling me that maybe I should just focus on having fun. She was sort of right, but I’ve found a happy medium that is allowing me to have a pretty incredible life.
So, any suggestions for next year’s goals???
Between travel, friends, running, a demanding job, self-development, and more, I have a lot that I want to accomplish. One reason for having such an active life is that I know there will come a point when I may not have the chance to do a lot of new things, so I want to take advantage of the time I have now. One thing I've learned from some friends' and family members' health problems is that that day could be decades away, or it could be tomorrow; you never know. Another reason is, there are just so many things I want to do, so many things that seem interesting, and I want to try them all.
And so, I make goals.
This helps me figure out what I want to do, prioritize what’s important and what’s not, and forces me to think about how to accomplish things so I can better overcome obstacles. It’s not so much that I sit around making lists and plans and itineraries, but I do try to have an idea of what comes next.
Back on New Year’s I didn’t have resolutions, but I did have goals for this year. I met them. In fact, I pretty much met them back in August.
New job This didn't turn out quite the way I expected. Still, I certainly managed to change jobs! I've found that I'm about 1,000,000% happier now that I'm out of the military. I'm not sure it was being in the Air Force that was the problem, as it much as it was the position I was in for the last 4 years (c'mon, I volunteered to go to Afghanistan to get out of my office!). In any case, I really enjoy my work now, and that's made a huge difference in my general happiness.
Travel with Linh This one almost didn't work out even before I tried, but his work schedule became such that we were able to head somewhere after all. The next question was deciding where to go, knowing as we did that we wanted to visit a place neither had been to before, and so we ended up with a fantastic week in Lisbon, Portugal. I've traveled alone a lot, and with a partner or boyfriend back when I had one, but traveling with friends is fairly new for me, and I like it!!
Explore emerging interests I'm slowly getting back into photography. It's fun, and I like grabbing my camera and going for a walk, though it certainly isn't second nature yet to start photographing at random. But I'm getting there. I also went to Bangkok and studied Thai massage, which some of my friends back here have appreciated a lot!
Run a marathon for fun Back in May ET and I flew off for a weekend in Cincinnati to run the Flying Pig Marathon. This was my "run for fun" race, which I really needed after running for time in Hong Kong and instead getting to know the paramedics afterwards. I tend to have a little more endurance in my legs than ET so he started fading at Mile 18 while I was still thinking we could set a new Personal Record. Rather than take off and leave him, though, we kept running together, which made for a GREAT finishing effort (never mind that he told me to shut up as I was encouraging him at the end lol).
Start a business I created a consulting firm in August. I haven't done much with it yet, as I've been settling into my teaching job, but I anticipate some cool opportunities in the next year.
Sometimes, new goals will emerge…it isn’t just a New Year’s thing. For example, I made the decision to run this year’s New York City Marathon, and that turned out pretty well.
When I was a kid I was one of those pretentious little twerps who tried to organize the other kids into things. I remember my mom telling me that maybe I should just focus on having fun. She was sort of right, but I’ve found a happy medium that is allowing me to have a pretty incredible life.
So, any suggestions for next year’s goals???
Labels: Friends, Life, Running, Travel, Work
Saturday, October 16, 2010
A Minor Career Change
A fair question. One that you might ask. One that my mother might ask. One that perhaps she did ask. (well, not in those exact words, but it sort of came up in conversation once)
So here's the story of why, as of early March, I was expecting to be promoted to Colonel on July 1st, and instead, I became a civilian on July 1st.
I had been planning for some time to retire from the military in either 2009 or 2010. But back in '09 I got word that I was probably going to be promoted to the rank of Colonel (a totally unexpected promotion, and a very big deal, considering only about 1-2% of the people in the Air Force are at that rank). By the end of June '09 it was official, and I knew the actual promotion would occur on 1 July 2010, because they take the list of people being promoted and only promote a few each month.
So I'd made the decision to stay in, because this is a big deal and because, by being promoted, there would be more opportunities for me to do something worthwhile that would really make a difference. I made a promise to myself, though, that if my next assignment would simply be a waste of my time, then I would turn down the promotion and retire rather than wasting another few years of my life. I'm glad I considered that early on and made my decision, because that's exactly what happened.
By the fall of '09 I'd arranged an assignment at a large military university in Washington DC. This was perfect; I wanted to get back into the classroom, and they needed military faculty members with PhDs, because Congress was starting to ask why their military faculty didn't seem to have enough education to be teaching a master's degree program. I was the proverbial round peg going into the round hole, and they put in a request to the Air Force to have me assigned there.
Assignments for Colonels are done based on those requests; the only way I was supposed to go anywhere else was if someone more senior requested me, and there aren't many generals more senior than the one who commands that university (at least, none who know me). So I thought I was all set and started making plans to go there, always keeping in the back of my mind the possibility that it might not work out.
And indeed it didn't. Apparently, the Air Force has an exception to the "assignment by request" rule, and that exception includes assignments to Iraq and Afghanistan. Those positions are filled by bureaucrats in the Pentagon who need to stick someone in there, rather than by requests from commanding officers. So, some bureaucrat decided to ignore the request from the university and instead assigned me to a position in Baghdad...a position very similar to one I did as a Major in Baghdad 5 years ago...a position that called for a Middle East culture expert, which I am not...a position that would make no use of my PhD...a position for which I was not needed and for which I was not qualified.
I had 7 days to make a decision, and I made it: I'm outta here.
When they assigned me to that position I don't think they considered I would turn it down. I even told them, when I got the unofficial word, that I would be turning it down and getting out once they made it official, and rather than changing their minds, they went ahead with it. Their loss. My guess is, they figure no one would turn down promotion to Colonel, but I guess they didn't know me very well.
You see, for many people, achieving a high rank was the goal of their career. But for me, all I ever wanted was to do something that mattered. Frankly, I kept taking on assignments where people didn't think I'd get promoted, because I thought they were important and needed someone really good (like me) to do them. And, I'd argue with very senior officers when I thought they were wrong, because I didn't really care if I got promoted. So when I was selected for promotion to Colonel, I'll admit it was nice to have my hard work and my abilities recognized, but it wasn't like I was achieving a career goal by doing so, nor was being a Colonel so important to me that I'd do any job, even one that wasted my time and talents, just to pin that rank onto my uniform.
So in the end, when it came time to leave (coincidentally, I retired on the same day I was supposed to have been promoted), it was still a bit tough to turn down that promotion, and say goodbye to a 21-year career, but it wasn't as horribly depressing as it would be for some people. I walked into the Pentagon on June 30th in my dress uniform with my friend Linh, gave him the tour of the Pentagon I'd been promising him for months, he watched me sign some paperwork (which is the closest thing I had to a retirement ceremony...some people get parades, I got Linh watching me fill out forms, and I think that made for the best retirement day I could imagine), and then he took me to lunch.
Leaving opened up new opportunities for me. I know that for a lot of people coming out of the military after 20+ years, they'll have a hard time starting over...but not me.
Which, of course, is how I ended up becoming the university professor that I am today. But I'll save that story.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Yes, I Care What People Think
Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.
A couple weeks ago my friend T was over and he said, "do you know you have a reputation?" I was curious just what kind of reputation I have, so he told me people seem to know me one of two ways:
"Adrian's ex"
"that rice queen"
Now, T thought this was pretty cool, because people whom I don't actually know, know who I am. For me, though, it wasn't such great news. It wasn't "he's a nice guy" or "I hear he's a good friend" or "that's the guy who runs marathons all over the place"...no, it was those other things.
I'd like to think I'm a good person and it would be nice if other people saw this too. If I'm going to be known as "Adrian's ex" I guess that's OK, though I'd rather be known for who I am than for whom I'm not. The rice queen label bothers me more...it's really not a term of endearment, and it conjures up images of white guys who take advantage of Asian guys, using them, sleeping their way through the city one Gaysian at a time. I'm not like that, and it bothers me to be labeled like that. At least, if I'm going to have that label, I'd like to be having the sex that goes along with it haha.
I realize that what people who don't know me think of me shouldn't really matter, but it does for a couple reasons. First, it means people whom I do know have obviously talked about me, and these are the things they use to identify me. I wish my better qualities were seen as more important, and it's unfortunate they've chosen to highlight these parts of me. Second, let's face it, I'd like to meet someone again someday, and how many people out there will avoid meeting me because they've heard something about me that sounds less-than-complimentary? A reputation as a rice queen, or as somebody's ex, doesn't really suggest someone is the kind of guy you want to date. Lastly, I think because I have felt so disconnected from people this year, there hasn't been enough positive stuff to outweigh something negative like this.
On the plus side, T called me yesterday after a party at my place just to tell me how much he likes me and how important I am to him, and that's very nice to hear (OK, come to think of it, he did have a small favor to ask too lol). But he went on to say "you're such a great guy, I don't know why more people don't see that," and that didn't exactly make me feel great. What was better was when Linh told me later that one of his friends, whom I've met a couple times and with whom I chatted at a film Thursday night, was going on about what a nice guy I am, how she'd always thought so but really realized it Thursday. I thought that was so nice to hear, and very unexpected.
If the bad stuff gets me down, I'll let the good stuff bring me up again. Let's just hope there's more good stuff than bad. :-)
Friday, October 01, 2010
Ten Years
Ten years ago today I started keeping an online journal. We were just starting to call them "blogs" at that point, and this was before all the political and news and food blogs...it was when people were just writing about their lives.
I've met some absolutely amazing people through blogging. There's Scooter, of course, up in New York...we were reading each other's blogs for about a year, when he was an undergrad at McGill and I was a doctoral student at George Mason, before we met up in person when I flew to Canada to meet him. We're still good friends, and I'll be seeing him next month I hope.
It was through blogging that I first talked to someone in Singapore, and that opened the door to Southeast Asia for me. Years later I ended up living there for a few months while teaching, something that might have never happened were it not for blogging.
And of course, there are the KL boys. I started reading blogs by a few guys in Kuala Lumpur about 5 years ago, and in 2007 I had a chance to stop off there on a business trip. Oh my. Not only did it turn out that all these guys know each other, they also turned out to be a really amazing collection of people. Knowing them has enriched my life a lot.
There have been a couple serious bumps in my blogging life. The first came a few years ago, when DiaryX, my first host, crashed and took with it the parts of my life that hadn't been archived. That was a big blow, and though I've got some of those archives reposted here, not everything is up.
Another hit came last year, when my identity was compromised by a stalker. You see, when I started writing this I was in the military, so I had to keep my identity secret on here and only reveal it to people whom I know and trusted. But someone did enough searching around the internet to figure me out, which is why I'm now at my third address for the blog.
But the biggest blow came when Adrian, my partner for nearly 6 years, broke up with me in late 2006. I just didn't feel like sharing the horrible stuff going on in my life, and for a time that's all there was. Even when things got better, when I was dating Stan, when I met Linh, when I started running, it was hard to start writing again. I was carrying so much baggage and I just couldn't sit down and write about it.
Life has changed a lot for me in the last few months, and I think it's time to start writing again. I've made this attempt a few times in the last couple years, but it's been tough to follow through. I'm going to try again, though. One reason it's been hard has been Facebook; if I can post updates there, why blog? Linh suggested to me a few months ago that maybe Facebook could be my outlet for quick updates -- and I should try to keep those positive -- while I use my blog to really get into what's happening in my life and in my head, whether it's positive or negative.
So, to get things (re)started, here's the first entry from 10 years ago:
Sunday, October 01, 2000
October 2000
1 Oct 2000
And we're off!
OK. So. Ummmmmmmmmm. Hmm.
This is my journal. I guess.
So now what do I do?
I've never been able to keep a journal before, except for those times when I'm traveling and want to be able to look back on the trip later and remember it. Funny, you'd think I'd want to remember the events of this big trip called "life." But on the other hand, maybe it's nice to be able to forget every now and then.
Lately, though, I've found myself getting caught up in a couple journals, especially Chris M's. It's so cool to be able to share what's going on in his life. And there are a couple other folks, too, whom I've never met (or even talked to) whose lives are now an open book to me. This, to me (though not to some of the dinosaurs in my seminar on Social Capital) is a new form of relationship that broadens the old definition. It's a new way of making connections that is, frankly, pretty exciting. So I figured I'd add to the cacophony of online diaries. And since my website is designed in part to keep my friends all over the US up-to-date on my goings on, well, this can replace the old "News" page on my website.
But I'm hesitant. One reason I've avoided this is the role that other people play in my life. My friends are so important to me, so much a part of me, that they will invariably show up time and again here. Let's face it, a story of my life is a story of Andy, Tracy, River, Cory, Michael (all 6 of them!), and many, many others. Do I want (or do I have the right) to put our most intimate moments online for the world to see?
Well, of course I do. =)
But if I know they are likely to read this, will that temper what I write? Probably. That, however, will force me to look at the events in my life with a new outlook, and may impart some new wisdom to me. Or it may just be so frustrating that I shut the whole thing down in a week. We'll see.
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Washington, DC is home for me.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
I love to travel.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
So now you know the basics.
Ready to take a wild ride with me?
Hang on. Here we go.
::LATER THAT SAME DAY::
If I ever turn into one of those guys in his 50s who just sits at the coffee house and stares at people, please kill me. Or give me a book to read. This guy at SoHo today was creeping me out. Every time I glanced up from my notebook he was staring at me or this one other guy. It makes me wonder what's going through his mind. Is he having a fantasy that involves me? Is he thinking, "I'll bet he has great feet and looks good in panties." Is he imagining the sound of my voice as I read Poe to him by candlelight? Or is he figuring out where to dump the body?
I love people-watching as much as the next guy (actually, more than the next guy) but c'mon, at least I'm a little more subtle so as not to scare anyone. He could at least smile; it's the seriousness on his face that terrifies me.
Why is it that when I'm at one end of P Street (down at 22nd, by SoHo or Badlands) I feel comfortable wearing very casual clothes, "hug a dolphin" t-shirts and the like, but then as soon as I cross DuPont Circle to the other end of P Street, I feel like I have to be wearing Gap? It's like two different worlds. I got the feeling I needed to change clothes in the Circle. I like to think that would've attracted a crowd.
River called while I was doing homework at SoHo. He was at a coffee house in Dallas called Crossroads. Afterwards, someone commented that I had a big smile on my face. Yeah. =)
And we're off!
OK. So. Ummmmmmmmmm. Hmm.
This is my journal. I guess.
So now what do I do?
I've never been able to keep a journal before, except for those times when I'm traveling and want to be able to look back on the trip later and remember it. Funny, you'd think I'd want to remember the events of this big trip called "life." But on the other hand, maybe it's nice to be able to forget every now and then.
Lately, though, I've found myself getting caught up in a couple journals, especially Chris M's. It's so cool to be able to share what's going on in his life. And there are a couple other folks, too, whom I've never met (or even talked to) whose lives are now an open book to me. This, to me (though not to some of the dinosaurs in my seminar on Social Capital) is a new form of relationship that broadens the old definition. It's a new way of making connections that is, frankly, pretty exciting. So I figured I'd add to the cacophony of online diaries. And since my website is designed in part to keep my friends all over the US up-to-date on my goings on, well, this can replace the old "News" page on my website.
But I'm hesitant. One reason I've avoided this is the role that other people play in my life. My friends are so important to me, so much a part of me, that they will invariably show up time and again here. Let's face it, a story of my life is a story of Andy, Tracy, River, Cory, Michael (all 6 of them!), and many, many others. Do I want (or do I have the right) to put our most intimate moments online for the world to see?
Well, of course I do. =)
But if I know they are likely to read this, will that temper what I write? Probably. That, however, will force me to look at the events in my life with a new outlook, and may impart some new wisdom to me. Or it may just be so frustrating that I shut the whole thing down in a week. We'll see.
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Washington, DC is home for me.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
I love to travel.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
So now you know the basics.
Ready to take a wild ride with me?
Hang on. Here we go.
::LATER THAT SAME DAY::
If I ever turn into one of those guys in his 50s who just sits at the coffee house and stares at people, please kill me. Or give me a book to read. This guy at SoHo today was creeping me out. Every time I glanced up from my notebook he was staring at me or this one other guy. It makes me wonder what's going through his mind. Is he having a fantasy that involves me? Is he thinking, "I'll bet he has great feet and looks good in panties." Is he imagining the sound of my voice as I read Poe to him by candlelight? Or is he figuring out where to dump the body?
I love people-watching as much as the next guy (actually, more than the next guy) but c'mon, at least I'm a little more subtle so as not to scare anyone. He could at least smile; it's the seriousness on his face that terrifies me.
Why is it that when I'm at one end of P Street (down at 22nd, by SoHo or Badlands) I feel comfortable wearing very casual clothes, "hug a dolphin" t-shirts and the like, but then as soon as I cross DuPont Circle to the other end of P Street, I feel like I have to be wearing Gap? It's like two different worlds. I got the feeling I needed to change clothes in the Circle. I like to think that would've attracted a crowd.
River called while I was doing homework at SoHo. He was at a coffee house in Dallas called Crossroads. Afterwards, someone commented that I had a big smile on my face. Yeah. =)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Stormy Weather
The dual snowstorms in Washington DC have kept me pretty much locked up for a week. Last Thursday I was at work most of the day but came home early to hit the grocery store and get ready for Friday's storm, which hit within a minute of the predicted time of 10am. Since then I've been out twice before today, during the brief (and only slightly safer) interlude between the storms.
This has not been a good experience for me.
I am not the sort of person who can go a week without interacting with anyone. I am not the sort of person who can be stuck in his apartment for an entire day because a power outage has left the elevators stopped. I am a social creature, perhaps more so than many other people, and I need human contact. And for a week, I didn't get it.
Every day I saw social plans fall through, so everything I looked forward to was taken away from me. One after another they became impossible. Many days, I saw photos of friends on Facebook doing things with each other, and even on those days I could have gotten out of here, I only heard about these afterwards...yeah, no invitations for me. I left a number of unanswered voicemails, sent any number of unanswered texts and e-mails. Fortunately, Linh and I check in with each other every morning (we do that regularly, not just during storms, because we both live alone) and that was typically the highlight of my day. I had more contact with people in Asia, or with strangers online, then I did with people here.
There were many things I could have accomplished with all this time off, and I did very few of them. Other than a bunch of reading (I hit the library after visiting the grocery the day before the first storm) I accomplished very little. I should have done more writing. I should have finished cleaning my place (hey, it's Tet/CNY this weekend!), I should have been in our condo's gym every day (well, every day the power was on), but I couldn't find the enthusiasm to do any of it. I mostly lay on the couch bouncing from site to site online, or watching bad TV. Not healthy, either physically or mentally. I didn't eat very well. A couple days, I didn't even bother taking a shower or shaving. Not good.
I don't think many of my friends realized how different this experience was for me than it was for them. Stan read an article comparing being stuck in the city or near a functioning Metro station versus being isolated (even just a few miles from downtown), and it was spot on. I had an email from one guy that read, "I haven't been out all week! Last night a group of us went to Nellie's, and saw some other friends, and stayed out way too late..." Yeah, I don't think he understands what "haven't been out all week" really means. :P
Fortunately, today I got out after a couple hours of shoveling snow, and got to spend a great couple of hours with Linh. I'm glad he was able to make the time for that because I was really starting to go a little crazy here and I couldn't stand being alone another day. But I can't rely on Linh for that, it's not fair to him, he's not responsible for me.
Just for giggles, tonight I looked up the symptoms of a Major Depressive Episode in the DSM-IV. It takes 5 symptoms to qualify as an Episode, and I can only truthfully point to 4 that I experienced, so that's a good thing, I suppose. But it doesn't change the fact that I was depressed almost to the point of nonfunctioning. I can point to the storm as a reason, but I've tried to pinpoint exactly what caused my problems, so I can avoid them in the future.
What it comes down to is my social nature, and the need to spend time with people. The reality is that I need other people more than they need me, and that's probably not good. On the other hand, my interest in being with others is probably a big part of what makes me a good person and a good friend, so it's not like I want to become a loner who doesn't need other people. The solution, at least when it comes to isolating incidents like this storm, is to move. And also, in general, to make more friends.
While I like having my own place, and I don't expect that to change, what DOES need to change is my location. I need to be someplace where it's easier to get out and about, not just during episodes like a winter storm but also just on regular evenings during the week, that sort of thing. I need to be near a Metro that I can walk to, I need to be close to grocery stores and cafes, and I need to be near friends. My plan for the last month or so has been to rent out my condo and take an apartment where I used to live in grad school. That fits all my needs, even though with the rental market being the way it is, I'm going to lose money on the deal. I'd like to do this soon, but the uncertainty surrounding my job situation this summer makes me hesitate for the moment.
The other thing I need is better friends. I have three people I can look to in DC as good friends, while a lot of the other people I call "friends" are rapidly turning into "acquaintances." While I'm very happy to have just a small trio of people with whom I feel really close, and with whom I can be open about anything, I need a circle of friends that comes in between them and my acquaintances. I thought I had that, but I was wrong, and since I'm planning to stay in DC it's time to work on that.
So this last week has really sucked, and it could happen again (another storm is possible on Monday). Rather than changing who I am and learning not to need people, I'm instead going to embrace who I am and, if anything, be more social. But instead of relying on others to fix my problems for me and take care of me, I'm going to work on them myself.
And THAT'S what I got out of this stupid weather.
This has not been a good experience for me.
I am not the sort of person who can go a week without interacting with anyone. I am not the sort of person who can be stuck in his apartment for an entire day because a power outage has left the elevators stopped. I am a social creature, perhaps more so than many other people, and I need human contact. And for a week, I didn't get it.
Every day I saw social plans fall through, so everything I looked forward to was taken away from me. One after another they became impossible. Many days, I saw photos of friends on Facebook doing things with each other, and even on those days I could have gotten out of here, I only heard about these afterwards...yeah, no invitations for me. I left a number of unanswered voicemails, sent any number of unanswered texts and e-mails. Fortunately, Linh and I check in with each other every morning (we do that regularly, not just during storms, because we both live alone) and that was typically the highlight of my day. I had more contact with people in Asia, or with strangers online, then I did with people here.
There were many things I could have accomplished with all this time off, and I did very few of them. Other than a bunch of reading (I hit the library after visiting the grocery the day before the first storm) I accomplished very little. I should have done more writing. I should have finished cleaning my place (hey, it's Tet/CNY this weekend!), I should have been in our condo's gym every day (well, every day the power was on), but I couldn't find the enthusiasm to do any of it. I mostly lay on the couch bouncing from site to site online, or watching bad TV. Not healthy, either physically or mentally. I didn't eat very well. A couple days, I didn't even bother taking a shower or shaving. Not good.
I don't think many of my friends realized how different this experience was for me than it was for them. Stan read an article comparing being stuck in the city or near a functioning Metro station versus being isolated (even just a few miles from downtown), and it was spot on. I had an email from one guy that read, "I haven't been out all week! Last night a group of us went to Nellie's, and saw some other friends, and stayed out way too late..." Yeah, I don't think he understands what "haven't been out all week" really means. :P
Fortunately, today I got out after a couple hours of shoveling snow, and got to spend a great couple of hours with Linh. I'm glad he was able to make the time for that because I was really starting to go a little crazy here and I couldn't stand being alone another day. But I can't rely on Linh for that, it's not fair to him, he's not responsible for me.
Just for giggles, tonight I looked up the symptoms of a Major Depressive Episode in the DSM-IV. It takes 5 symptoms to qualify as an Episode, and I can only truthfully point to 4 that I experienced, so that's a good thing, I suppose. But it doesn't change the fact that I was depressed almost to the point of nonfunctioning. I can point to the storm as a reason, but I've tried to pinpoint exactly what caused my problems, so I can avoid them in the future.
What it comes down to is my social nature, and the need to spend time with people. The reality is that I need other people more than they need me, and that's probably not good. On the other hand, my interest in being with others is probably a big part of what makes me a good person and a good friend, so it's not like I want to become a loner who doesn't need other people. The solution, at least when it comes to isolating incidents like this storm, is to move. And also, in general, to make more friends.
While I like having my own place, and I don't expect that to change, what DOES need to change is my location. I need to be someplace where it's easier to get out and about, not just during episodes like a winter storm but also just on regular evenings during the week, that sort of thing. I need to be near a Metro that I can walk to, I need to be close to grocery stores and cafes, and I need to be near friends. My plan for the last month or so has been to rent out my condo and take an apartment where I used to live in grad school. That fits all my needs, even though with the rental market being the way it is, I'm going to lose money on the deal. I'd like to do this soon, but the uncertainty surrounding my job situation this summer makes me hesitate for the moment.
The other thing I need is better friends. I have three people I can look to in DC as good friends, while a lot of the other people I call "friends" are rapidly turning into "acquaintances." While I'm very happy to have just a small trio of people with whom I feel really close, and with whom I can be open about anything, I need a circle of friends that comes in between them and my acquaintances. I thought I had that, but I was wrong, and since I'm planning to stay in DC it's time to work on that.
So this last week has really sucked, and it could happen again (another storm is possible on Monday). Rather than changing who I am and learning not to need people, I'm instead going to embrace who I am and, if anything, be more social. But instead of relying on others to fix my problems for me and take care of me, I'm going to work on them myself.
And THAT'S what I got out of this stupid weather.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fun Things This Year
In addition to the big new things I'm hoping to do this year (one of which may have already been thwarted, dammit) there are also some things I want to do that aren't so much new, but which are still pretty fun. No surprise, they mostly involve friends and travel, and where possible, both.
One thing I want to do is see Stan in his new habitat. I was there for the apartment search, I was there for the move in, and now I want to be there after he's done a term and see how life is like there. In fact, I'm flying there this weekend. It'll be fun to see his new haunts (there are places that didn't exist when I lived there), I'm curious to meet his friends (who sound very nice), and if at all possible I'm hoping to go skiing with him. We'll see if that happens.
The long trip I have planned so far is to Hong Kong next month for the marathon, and then from there I'll go to Bangkok for the Thai massage class. Before returning to the US I'm hoping to spend a weekend somewhere new, such as Phuket, and am hoping to have a friend from Singapore come up for the weekend. Could be lots of fun!!!
Joshua is trying to plan a trip here just in time for my promotion. This would be his first time in the US and I'm really hoping this can work out!!
I'm giving some thought to moving to a new place here in the DC area, and regardless of what I end up doing I want to improve my happiness with my living situation.
I'll visit Chicago at least once, to see some friends there.
I really would like to get back to San Francisco, even if only for a long weekend.
Depending on how other travel plans shake out, I really would like to scuba dive this year, so a trip to the Bahamas is not out of the question.
There will be some New York in my future. Oh yes there will.
I want to learn how to photograph people.
My professional blog will get more exposure this year. Oh yeah.
I've recently reconnected with Dancin' Mike, who's been a friend for nearly 10 years but who had slipped under the radar for a bit. All is well now and I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. There are also a couple other longtime friends who have moved to DC this year that I need to rebuild the bonds with. And I'm meeting some new people, which is nice. As for those friends where the friendship wasn't too as strong as I liked, and which I have been trying for quite some time to build upon, well, I've realized maybe I don't need to put so much effort into those. 'Nuff said, for now anyway.
I'm going to have slumber parties.
I'll continue all my good habits (and there are lots of them!).
So that's this year.
One thing I want to do is see Stan in his new habitat. I was there for the apartment search, I was there for the move in, and now I want to be there after he's done a term and see how life is like there. In fact, I'm flying there this weekend. It'll be fun to see his new haunts (there are places that didn't exist when I lived there), I'm curious to meet his friends (who sound very nice), and if at all possible I'm hoping to go skiing with him. We'll see if that happens.
The long trip I have planned so far is to Hong Kong next month for the marathon, and then from there I'll go to Bangkok for the Thai massage class. Before returning to the US I'm hoping to spend a weekend somewhere new, such as Phuket, and am hoping to have a friend from Singapore come up for the weekend. Could be lots of fun!!!
Joshua is trying to plan a trip here just in time for my promotion. This would be his first time in the US and I'm really hoping this can work out!!
I'm giving some thought to moving to a new place here in the DC area, and regardless of what I end up doing I want to improve my happiness with my living situation.
I'll visit Chicago at least once, to see some friends there.
I really would like to get back to San Francisco, even if only for a long weekend.
Depending on how other travel plans shake out, I really would like to scuba dive this year, so a trip to the Bahamas is not out of the question.
There will be some New York in my future. Oh yes there will.
I want to learn how to photograph people.
My professional blog will get more exposure this year. Oh yeah.
I've recently reconnected with Dancin' Mike, who's been a friend for nearly 10 years but who had slipped under the radar for a bit. All is well now and I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. There are also a couple other longtime friends who have moved to DC this year that I need to rebuild the bonds with. And I'm meeting some new people, which is nice. As for those friends where the friendship wasn't too as strong as I liked, and which I have been trying for quite some time to build upon, well, I've realized maybe I don't need to put so much effort into those. 'Nuff said, for now anyway.
I'm going to have slumber parties.
I'll continue all my good habits (and there are lots of them!).
So that's this year.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Looking Ahead
I always take some time at the end of the year to look back on all that's happened and try to make sense of it. As we hit these "Hallmark dates," as Linh called it, it's normal to pause and reflect (sometimes too much!). But it's important to also look forward, to get an idea of what I want to do so I can move in that direction. If 2009 was about just enjoying what I have (and that's as close as I can come to defining what last year meant to me) then 2010 will be a year of self-understanding and improvement.
Though I don't set New Year's resolutions for myself -- if something's worth doing, there's no reason to wait for a single date on the calendar to do it -- I do have some things I want to accomplish in the next year. In all cases, I'm already making plans, and I'll do what I can to make them all happen. These are the most important new things I want to take on.
New job My original plan for 2009 was a major career change, with retirement from my current line of work and a transition to something completely new. Well, those plans are on hold because I was selected for promotion (which will kick in July 1, as near as I can tell) and i saw opportunities that didn't exist before, so I've decided to stick around another couple years and see what happens. Though starting a new job isn't the most important thing to me, it's the one thing that will probably have the most profound impact in my happiness this year. Since my current job has been largely a waste of my time and talent, I'm looking forward to something new...specifically, to a teaching position for which I'm being considered. It would involve teaching at the master's degree level, which I enjoyed while in Singapore, and it would allow me to stay in DC, which is my #1 job consideration. I love teaching, and from what I've seen of the working environment at this school, it would be an enjoyable place to work. Not perfect, not somewhere i want to stay forever, but a good stepping stone to other things i want to do professionally. If the teaching gig falls through, i'll have to reconsider my retirement plans, so it'll be interesting to see where I am a year from now.
Travel with Linh I've known Linh for over 2 years, and even though we both love travel, we have yet to travel together. The closest we've come is a dinner and short adventure one evening in 2008 when I was visiting Bangkok and he was there for an internship, and a short layover for him in Singapore 363 days ago while I was living there. Those, of course, don't count, and so I've been hoping to actually take a trip together sometime. We talked about a couple ideas in 2009 after he graduated but our schedules didn't mesh. Now, we're looking at a week-long trip in March, and hopefully we can coordinate our personal and work schedules to make this happen. Though I often enjoy traveling on my own, I get a real thrill from traveling with someone important to me, as past trips with others have shown, and I would love for this to work out this year. Ideally, we'll go someplace neither one of us has been, allowing us to really get into exploration mode. We've discussed a couple options, and no, it won't be to Asia!
Explore emerging interests In the last few months there are a few things that have popped up as new or returning interests, things I want to explore more fully in 2010. For some reason, don't ask me why, I've gotten interested in massage. Perhaps because I know how good it feels to receive one, I'd like to give that good feeling to others. I've been teaching myself some basics using books and practicing on friends, and in the spring I'm planning to attend the Wat Po School in Bangkok to study traditional Thai massage. This sounds like fun, and some friends are already making requests for massages. I've also been enjoying cooking and baking a bit more lately, and with encouragement from Linh I'm going to try to take my baking to a new level, not just with the cookies and candy I make but moving on to cakes and pastries as well. I'd like to get really proficient at creating desserts, and if nothing else I get to eat the mistakes. Finally, in the last few months I've had the time to start dabbling more in photography again, an interest I sort of gave up a few years ago, for reasons i don't understand. Anyway, it's time to get serious about this again.
Run a marathon for fun Ever since I started running in January 2007, and ran my first race that spring, I've been trying to improve. I don't compete against others in races, but I do compete against myself. I like the idea of continuous improvement in my running times, and I was pretty successful with that in 2009. But at the same time, I want to be able to step back from that, to not worry about the results but just get out there because it's fun to be part of a big race. When I go to Hong Kong for February's marathon I'm planning to push myself (though my training for that race is not going so well) but in May I'm running the Flying Pig Marathon with Ethan, and I'm just going to plan to run his pace regardless of whether that's faster or slower. I'm going there to run with him, so I plan to do the whole race with him, and if that's at a faster pace, great, but if we're slower, that's cool too. Sometimes we should forget about improvement and just focus on the doing. I'm also hoping to run the New York City Marathon in November, but haven't decided which approach to take to that one -- I think it depends on whether I'm running it alone or if Ethan is running it too.
Start a business As part of my preparation for retirement and career change, I intend to set up a business this year. The idea is to start learning about what I need to make a consulting business successful, and begin laying a foundation for when I actually do retire. Though I can't work on it full time, I've already talked with Stan and Linh about being a part of this, giving them an opportunity to put their particular talents to work, to do something a little different, and maybe to make a little extra money (which no one minds doing). With their collaboration this could be very cool. I expect this to start small and grow slowly, so not much is likely to happen with it this year, but at least I can take the first important steps. As part of this, I'm hoping to expand the exposure of my professional blog and also start generating some more income from that, so at least it pays for itself.
There are some other things I want to do this year, and later in the future too, but I'll save those for next time, as this is turning into a longer post than I planned.
Though I don't set New Year's resolutions for myself -- if something's worth doing, there's no reason to wait for a single date on the calendar to do it -- I do have some things I want to accomplish in the next year. In all cases, I'm already making plans, and I'll do what I can to make them all happen. These are the most important new things I want to take on.
New job My original plan for 2009 was a major career change, with retirement from my current line of work and a transition to something completely new. Well, those plans are on hold because I was selected for promotion (which will kick in July 1, as near as I can tell) and i saw opportunities that didn't exist before, so I've decided to stick around another couple years and see what happens. Though starting a new job isn't the most important thing to me, it's the one thing that will probably have the most profound impact in my happiness this year. Since my current job has been largely a waste of my time and talent, I'm looking forward to something new...specifically, to a teaching position for which I'm being considered. It would involve teaching at the master's degree level, which I enjoyed while in Singapore, and it would allow me to stay in DC, which is my #1 job consideration. I love teaching, and from what I've seen of the working environment at this school, it would be an enjoyable place to work. Not perfect, not somewhere i want to stay forever, but a good stepping stone to other things i want to do professionally. If the teaching gig falls through, i'll have to reconsider my retirement plans, so it'll be interesting to see where I am a year from now.
Travel with Linh I've known Linh for over 2 years, and even though we both love travel, we have yet to travel together. The closest we've come is a dinner and short adventure one evening in 2008 when I was visiting Bangkok and he was there for an internship, and a short layover for him in Singapore 363 days ago while I was living there. Those, of course, don't count, and so I've been hoping to actually take a trip together sometime. We talked about a couple ideas in 2009 after he graduated but our schedules didn't mesh. Now, we're looking at a week-long trip in March, and hopefully we can coordinate our personal and work schedules to make this happen. Though I often enjoy traveling on my own, I get a real thrill from traveling with someone important to me, as past trips with others have shown, and I would love for this to work out this year. Ideally, we'll go someplace neither one of us has been, allowing us to really get into exploration mode. We've discussed a couple options, and no, it won't be to Asia!
Explore emerging interests In the last few months there are a few things that have popped up as new or returning interests, things I want to explore more fully in 2010. For some reason, don't ask me why, I've gotten interested in massage. Perhaps because I know how good it feels to receive one, I'd like to give that good feeling to others. I've been teaching myself some basics using books and practicing on friends, and in the spring I'm planning to attend the Wat Po School in Bangkok to study traditional Thai massage. This sounds like fun, and some friends are already making requests for massages. I've also been enjoying cooking and baking a bit more lately, and with encouragement from Linh I'm going to try to take my baking to a new level, not just with the cookies and candy I make but moving on to cakes and pastries as well. I'd like to get really proficient at creating desserts, and if nothing else I get to eat the mistakes. Finally, in the last few months I've had the time to start dabbling more in photography again, an interest I sort of gave up a few years ago, for reasons i don't understand. Anyway, it's time to get serious about this again.
Run a marathon for fun Ever since I started running in January 2007, and ran my first race that spring, I've been trying to improve. I don't compete against others in races, but I do compete against myself. I like the idea of continuous improvement in my running times, and I was pretty successful with that in 2009. But at the same time, I want to be able to step back from that, to not worry about the results but just get out there because it's fun to be part of a big race. When I go to Hong Kong for February's marathon I'm planning to push myself (though my training for that race is not going so well) but in May I'm running the Flying Pig Marathon with Ethan, and I'm just going to plan to run his pace regardless of whether that's faster or slower. I'm going there to run with him, so I plan to do the whole race with him, and if that's at a faster pace, great, but if we're slower, that's cool too. Sometimes we should forget about improvement and just focus on the doing. I'm also hoping to run the New York City Marathon in November, but haven't decided which approach to take to that one -- I think it depends on whether I'm running it alone or if Ethan is running it too.
Start a business As part of my preparation for retirement and career change, I intend to set up a business this year. The idea is to start learning about what I need to make a consulting business successful, and begin laying a foundation for when I actually do retire. Though I can't work on it full time, I've already talked with Stan and Linh about being a part of this, giving them an opportunity to put their particular talents to work, to do something a little different, and maybe to make a little extra money (which no one minds doing). With their collaboration this could be very cool. I expect this to start small and grow slowly, so not much is likely to happen with it this year, but at least I can take the first important steps. As part of this, I'm hoping to expand the exposure of my professional blog and also start generating some more income from that, so at least it pays for itself.
There are some other things I want to do this year, and later in the future too, but I'll save those for next time, as this is turning into a longer post than I planned.
Labels: Friends, Life, Running, Teaching, Travel, Work
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Another Year Past, Another Year Forward
It's that time again...time to reflect back on the year behind us and see what it meant to me.
I'm ending this year in a very different place than last year, at least geographically: back in DC. My return from Singapore in March was bittersweet; I came back to people who are important to me but left behind a life that I enjoyed. I had a fantastic time teaching and my time there ended on a high note. While I was there I really enjoyed the way I lived my life, it was a very social place with people doing stuff together every night. I resolved to live that way after coming home and to a large extent I've succeeded, though I can do a better job of balancing that! I miss Singapore, which is the main reason I headed back that way in September and would love to go back there again. At the time, living there permanently was a possibility, but with some changes in my career plans that option is on hold for now.
Those career changes have been interesting so far, and I'm curious to see what happens in 2010. Though I was planning on retiring from my current career and shifting gears to try something brand new, I was unexpectedly selected for promotion, and that has changed everything. Though I considered turning down the promotion -- after all, I'd already made the mental adjustments I needed to be ready to retire -- I realized there might be some interesting things I could do with this increased rank. As it turns out I've been interviewing for a teaching position here in town, and I think I have a good shot at it. If for some reason that doesn't work out then I'll have some decisions to make...there's a good chance I'll end up turning down the promotion if the assignment doesn't work out like I want. But it's still nice to be selected, because for someone like me who's done a lot of unusual things and who hasn't followed anything like a normal career path, getting promoted was a big surprise indeed.
Career-wise, by the way, my current job hasn't changed at all. It still sucks, and has all year. The saving grace has been that it's given me the chance to do different things outside my regular job because what I do day-to-day isn't very demanding.
Academically, I didn't do much after returning from Singapore. I didn't publish any papers this year, though I did finish a study that I think the State Department is using in crafting their Asia policy, and I presented a paper at a conference, so those are good things. I've still kept up with my writing, not only with my professional blog (which went over 200 entries this year) but also by writing a monthly column for a business newspaper here. Fun!
As is always the case in my life, the most important thing this year has been time with friends. I made some great new friends in Singapore...meeting Joshua at the end of 2008 turned out to be a great thing as our friendship took off and turned into something wonderful. At first I was happy to know him because I thought it was cool that a straight guy in Singapore was so open-minded, but I later I was happy just because he's a great guy. Immediately after the New Year I met Ed, who turned out to be one of my best friends there and to whom I still feel very close (in fact, we talked just this morning). A traveler like me, he managed to arrange his autumn vacation so we could spend about a week together in Singapore when I went back that way in September. It was during that trip that I finally got to know Ben in Singapore, a friend of Linh's whom I'd tried to get to know when I lived there but it just never worked out. In terms of meeting new people here at home, I'd have to say meeting Kevin was the highlight of my year. A doctor from Singapore here on a 2-year fellowship, he was on our dragon boat team and we ended up becoming good friends...during the summer it wasn't uncommon to see him, Stan, Linh and I running around town. I'm sorry he'll be leaving for home soon, but happy to know him. There are a few other folks I've met here whom I'd like to know better, but so far that's been moving slowly...people seem a little too busy to be making new friends, I guess.
Stan and I enjoyed the year together, up to and including his return to DC over Christmas. We had a wonderful relationship as boyfriends which has gone through some changes with his move to Denver and grad school, but that hasn't stopped him from being one of the most important people in my life. I'm very proud of him...he knew what he wanted, he overcame early frustrations to get it, and he's made the shift from full-time worker to full-time student with more ease than I think he realizes. I treasure what we had this year and I treasure what we still have...despite the change in his life, some things won't change.
Linh is my other close friend who went through a big transition this year, as he finished his graduate work and entered the "real" world (fortunately, staying in DC). We knew each other within about 6 weeks of his starting grad school so I got to see that entire process and was really pleased with the growth I saw in him, academically and personally, over those 2 years. I had a feeling that once he left school and had a more normal life we'd have a chance for our already great friendship to grow, and indeed it has. This is one of those friendships that I think will endure no matter what happens in the future.
Since Stan's departure in August I've pretty much avoided dating. I realized that since August 2000 I've either been in a relationship or living with my ex in a weird sort of limbo (Adrian, by the way, moved into his own place in July, leaving me in sole possession of the condo). Having spent all that time with people I decided I needed to make sure I'm OK on my own, that I haven't fallen into that trap of needing to be in a relationship. It's been a bit rocky at times but I'm getting a better handle on who I am as an individual, which had gotten a bit fuzzy at times over the years. Frankly, at this point, I'm waiting to see if someone asks ME out, rather than the other way around.
It's been a year for travel, as every year is for me. While living in Singapore I visited Bangkok and Hong Kong, and stopped in Tokyo for a few days on the way home, my first time there. Stan and I visited San Francisco, New York, and Denver, in addition to our 3-day road trip when we moved him out there. Kevin and I got to go to New York for the US Open, and I also made a later visit there on my own. I also got in a quick trip to Chicago for an academic conference, and that was good, even though it was COLD!! (and I finally got to meet David C on that trip!) In September I managed a 3-week trip back to KL to see my friends there (hi William, David, Azhan, Eddie, Janvier, DanielHenry, Froggy, and all the boys and girls) (and hi Nase, who I finally met!), to Singapore for the same reason, to Hong Kong for exactly the same reason (and to see the Big Buddha and finally go up Victoria Peak), and to Bintan Island for a couple days on the beach with Ed and one more ASEAN stamp in my passport. After going with Stan to Denver in August I headed to Vancouver to check out that city and also see my uncle in Victoria. Good times, eh.
Fitness-wise things only got better this year. I continued to improve my race times, missing my goal of breaking 80 minutes in the 10-miler but still running faster (and missing my goal by mere seconds) while shaving 14 minutes off my previous best marathon time. I ran the Hong Kong Marathon in February (my third) and set a personal record in that, with Tony and Max meeting me at the Finish with cupcakes and a Cathay Pacific flight crew who thought it was the greatest thing that I'd flown in just for the race. The next month Stan and I ran an 8K race in DC, the first race he's ever run, and I was so proud of him for doing that. I later ran two 10-milers and capped off the year with the Marine Corps Marathon, where I absolutely ripped up my old record and set a new standard of performance for myself. Much of my success has been due, I think, to a big improvement in my overall fitness. I've kept up with my gym routines from Singapore and have seen continuing improvement in my body, so much so that I was excited to be photographed for a friend's swimsuit calendar with Linh (and yes, we look hot!). Still not where I want it to be, but definitely getting there.
My health is still good, knock on wood. After 2008's cancer scare I had to have a follow-up colonoscopy this summer, and it came back OK. In Canada I had a sudden kidney stone attack, something that's never happened to me before and it scared me because I didn't know what it was, but after a few hours in the emergency room and some good meds over the next two days, I was fine. A couple of friends and family members have had tragic health problems this year, and those have reinforced my desire to live life as fully as I can now, for you never know when this precious gift can be taken from you.
As I reflect on the year gone by, I don't see much that's new. I had some great times, some great experiences, but mostly they came from the continuation of things I was already doing, or maybe some improvements...nothing really new. I can't think of too many new challenges that I took on, not much new that I studied and learned. That's unusual for me, and I'm not really sure why that happened. Did I just need a rest from change at the end of the decade? Do I have so many great things in my life that I didn't feel the need to add a lot of new stuff? I'm not sure. I guess it's OK, since part of the reason for not doing some new things I expected was the dramatic shift in career plans this year, but if I had to put my finger on what 2009 meant to me, it's kind of elusive. Next year, I have some new things lined up, and some emerging interests I want to explore...we'll see where those go!
When I look back at last year's end of the year post, I realize there are a couple things i said I hoped to do in 2009 that I didn't accomplish. First, I wanted to get back to Hawaii this year, but that didn't happen. I was planning to go in December to run the Honolulu Marathon and then stay for a vacation, but I realized a few things. First, I knew that I needed to save my legs rather than running a race only 7 weeks after the Marine Corps Marathon (a lesson I learned last year). Plus, I should save my money and my vacation days...one reason for not going was because of the big trip to Asia in September and I should be saving up after that for some travel coming early next year. And finally, I wasn't really in the mood to travel alone on this one...Linh had mentioned in July the possibility of going out there with me, but like me he had some big travel later in the year that didn't allow for a Hawaiian vacation in December. So, that one's on hold. I also didn't go to Thailand for massage school or kickboxing camp, mostly because I couldn't fit it into the September trip. But I'm planning to be back there in March and have already registered with the massage school (after seeing kickboxing in Bangkok last January I realized I probably don't need to go to kickboxing camp!). The other thing I wanted to do but don't feel I did was work on strengthening some friendships here, but I think I'll save that discussion for another time.
And yes, I'm looking forward to the future as well...to things I have planned for next year, to things I would like to do in the next year, and to things I still need to do at some point in my life. But I'll cover those next time.
For now, I'll just wish everyone a Happy New Year!!!!!
I'm ending this year in a very different place than last year, at least geographically: back in DC. My return from Singapore in March was bittersweet; I came back to people who are important to me but left behind a life that I enjoyed. I had a fantastic time teaching and my time there ended on a high note. While I was there I really enjoyed the way I lived my life, it was a very social place with people doing stuff together every night. I resolved to live that way after coming home and to a large extent I've succeeded, though I can do a better job of balancing that! I miss Singapore, which is the main reason I headed back that way in September and would love to go back there again. At the time, living there permanently was a possibility, but with some changes in my career plans that option is on hold for now.
Those career changes have been interesting so far, and I'm curious to see what happens in 2010. Though I was planning on retiring from my current career and shifting gears to try something brand new, I was unexpectedly selected for promotion, and that has changed everything. Though I considered turning down the promotion -- after all, I'd already made the mental adjustments I needed to be ready to retire -- I realized there might be some interesting things I could do with this increased rank. As it turns out I've been interviewing for a teaching position here in town, and I think I have a good shot at it. If for some reason that doesn't work out then I'll have some decisions to make...there's a good chance I'll end up turning down the promotion if the assignment doesn't work out like I want. But it's still nice to be selected, because for someone like me who's done a lot of unusual things and who hasn't followed anything like a normal career path, getting promoted was a big surprise indeed.
Career-wise, by the way, my current job hasn't changed at all. It still sucks, and has all year. The saving grace has been that it's given me the chance to do different things outside my regular job because what I do day-to-day isn't very demanding.
Academically, I didn't do much after returning from Singapore. I didn't publish any papers this year, though I did finish a study that I think the State Department is using in crafting their Asia policy, and I presented a paper at a conference, so those are good things. I've still kept up with my writing, not only with my professional blog (which went over 200 entries this year) but also by writing a monthly column for a business newspaper here. Fun!
As is always the case in my life, the most important thing this year has been time with friends. I made some great new friends in Singapore...meeting Joshua at the end of 2008 turned out to be a great thing as our friendship took off and turned into something wonderful. At first I was happy to know him because I thought it was cool that a straight guy in Singapore was so open-minded, but I later I was happy just because he's a great guy. Immediately after the New Year I met Ed, who turned out to be one of my best friends there and to whom I still feel very close (in fact, we talked just this morning). A traveler like me, he managed to arrange his autumn vacation so we could spend about a week together in Singapore when I went back that way in September. It was during that trip that I finally got to know Ben in Singapore, a friend of Linh's whom I'd tried to get to know when I lived there but it just never worked out. In terms of meeting new people here at home, I'd have to say meeting Kevin was the highlight of my year. A doctor from Singapore here on a 2-year fellowship, he was on our dragon boat team and we ended up becoming good friends...during the summer it wasn't uncommon to see him, Stan, Linh and I running around town. I'm sorry he'll be leaving for home soon, but happy to know him. There are a few other folks I've met here whom I'd like to know better, but so far that's been moving slowly...people seem a little too busy to be making new friends, I guess.
Stan and I enjoyed the year together, up to and including his return to DC over Christmas. We had a wonderful relationship as boyfriends which has gone through some changes with his move to Denver and grad school, but that hasn't stopped him from being one of the most important people in my life. I'm very proud of him...he knew what he wanted, he overcame early frustrations to get it, and he's made the shift from full-time worker to full-time student with more ease than I think he realizes. I treasure what we had this year and I treasure what we still have...despite the change in his life, some things won't change.
Linh is my other close friend who went through a big transition this year, as he finished his graduate work and entered the "real" world (fortunately, staying in DC). We knew each other within about 6 weeks of his starting grad school so I got to see that entire process and was really pleased with the growth I saw in him, academically and personally, over those 2 years. I had a feeling that once he left school and had a more normal life we'd have a chance for our already great friendship to grow, and indeed it has. This is one of those friendships that I think will endure no matter what happens in the future.
Since Stan's departure in August I've pretty much avoided dating. I realized that since August 2000 I've either been in a relationship or living with my ex in a weird sort of limbo (Adrian, by the way, moved into his own place in July, leaving me in sole possession of the condo). Having spent all that time with people I decided I needed to make sure I'm OK on my own, that I haven't fallen into that trap of needing to be in a relationship. It's been a bit rocky at times but I'm getting a better handle on who I am as an individual, which had gotten a bit fuzzy at times over the years. Frankly, at this point, I'm waiting to see if someone asks ME out, rather than the other way around.
It's been a year for travel, as every year is for me. While living in Singapore I visited Bangkok and Hong Kong, and stopped in Tokyo for a few days on the way home, my first time there. Stan and I visited San Francisco, New York, and Denver, in addition to our 3-day road trip when we moved him out there. Kevin and I got to go to New York for the US Open, and I also made a later visit there on my own. I also got in a quick trip to Chicago for an academic conference, and that was good, even though it was COLD!! (and I finally got to meet David C on that trip!) In September I managed a 3-week trip back to KL to see my friends there (hi William, David, Azhan, Eddie, Janvier, DanielHenry, Froggy, and all the boys and girls) (and hi Nase, who I finally met!), to Singapore for the same reason, to Hong Kong for exactly the same reason (and to see the Big Buddha and finally go up Victoria Peak), and to Bintan Island for a couple days on the beach with Ed and one more ASEAN stamp in my passport. After going with Stan to Denver in August I headed to Vancouver to check out that city and also see my uncle in Victoria. Good times, eh.
Fitness-wise things only got better this year. I continued to improve my race times, missing my goal of breaking 80 minutes in the 10-miler but still running faster (and missing my goal by mere seconds) while shaving 14 minutes off my previous best marathon time. I ran the Hong Kong Marathon in February (my third) and set a personal record in that, with Tony and Max meeting me at the Finish with cupcakes and a Cathay Pacific flight crew who thought it was the greatest thing that I'd flown in just for the race. The next month Stan and I ran an 8K race in DC, the first race he's ever run, and I was so proud of him for doing that. I later ran two 10-milers and capped off the year with the Marine Corps Marathon, where I absolutely ripped up my old record and set a new standard of performance for myself. Much of my success has been due, I think, to a big improvement in my overall fitness. I've kept up with my gym routines from Singapore and have seen continuing improvement in my body, so much so that I was excited to be photographed for a friend's swimsuit calendar with Linh (and yes, we look hot!). Still not where I want it to be, but definitely getting there.
My health is still good, knock on wood. After 2008's cancer scare I had to have a follow-up colonoscopy this summer, and it came back OK. In Canada I had a sudden kidney stone attack, something that's never happened to me before and it scared me because I didn't know what it was, but after a few hours in the emergency room and some good meds over the next two days, I was fine. A couple of friends and family members have had tragic health problems this year, and those have reinforced my desire to live life as fully as I can now, for you never know when this precious gift can be taken from you.
As I reflect on the year gone by, I don't see much that's new. I had some great times, some great experiences, but mostly they came from the continuation of things I was already doing, or maybe some improvements...nothing really new. I can't think of too many new challenges that I took on, not much new that I studied and learned. That's unusual for me, and I'm not really sure why that happened. Did I just need a rest from change at the end of the decade? Do I have so many great things in my life that I didn't feel the need to add a lot of new stuff? I'm not sure. I guess it's OK, since part of the reason for not doing some new things I expected was the dramatic shift in career plans this year, but if I had to put my finger on what 2009 meant to me, it's kind of elusive. Next year, I have some new things lined up, and some emerging interests I want to explore...we'll see where those go!
When I look back at last year's end of the year post, I realize there are a couple things i said I hoped to do in 2009 that I didn't accomplish. First, I wanted to get back to Hawaii this year, but that didn't happen. I was planning to go in December to run the Honolulu Marathon and then stay for a vacation, but I realized a few things. First, I knew that I needed to save my legs rather than running a race only 7 weeks after the Marine Corps Marathon (a lesson I learned last year). Plus, I should save my money and my vacation days...one reason for not going was because of the big trip to Asia in September and I should be saving up after that for some travel coming early next year. And finally, I wasn't really in the mood to travel alone on this one...Linh had mentioned in July the possibility of going out there with me, but like me he had some big travel later in the year that didn't allow for a Hawaiian vacation in December. So, that one's on hold. I also didn't go to Thailand for massage school or kickboxing camp, mostly because I couldn't fit it into the September trip. But I'm planning to be back there in March and have already registered with the massage school (after seeing kickboxing in Bangkok last January I realized I probably don't need to go to kickboxing camp!). The other thing I wanted to do but don't feel I did was work on strengthening some friendships here, but I think I'll save that discussion for another time.
And yes, I'm looking forward to the future as well...to things I have planned for next year, to things I would like to do in the next year, and to things I still need to do at some point in my life. But I'll cover those next time.
For now, I'll just wish everyone a Happy New Year!!!!!
Labels: Friends, Health, Life, Living in SG, Running, Teaching, Travel
Monday, December 28, 2009
Family
I e-mailed someone over the weekend and when he replied he said "I figured you were with your family for the holidays so I thought I'd wait to write you until you got back." The reality, though, is that I was right here in DC at my home, with my folks 200 miles away at theirs.
Holidays are often time for family, at least that's the tradition, but in my case it's been a time to think about family. Add in a recent funeral and you've got a mix that just screams "think deep thoughts!"
So I did. And I've come to the conclusion my family isn't as important to me as you might like to think.
I was at my parents' home for Thanksgiving last month, for three nights. It was the first time I've been there since April, only the second time since my return from Singapore (though my mom did come up for a few days in July). Just me and my folks. And three nights was all I could do...one more would have been too much.
While there I sent a note to my aunt and uncle who'd moved to Atlanta earlier this year. My uncle had a brain tumor but moved anyway to keep his job, which had moved down south, in order to keep his health insurance (I recently learned that he had the opportunity to stay in Virginia but wanted to go to stay with his friends from work). My aunt replied that if I wanted to see my uncle again I'd better come to Atlanta soon. And I knew right then I probably wouldn't make that trip. As I looked ahead to the month of December I knew getting away for a weekend would be really disruptive to my plans for the month, and so I started looking at just flying down in the morning on a weekday, visiting them for a few hours, then flying back to DC, as soon as work would allow, which would be at least 2 more weeks.
Why didn't I rush right down there? In part, because I can't stand my uncle's wife...she's a nag, she could never hold a job, she's ignorant and racist and a bad mother and she created an extra burden for my uncle for many years because she must weigh over 250 pounds. But I also realized that my uncle and I have drifted apart in the past few years, because he frankly has a lot of those same attributes...I just didn't pay as much attention to them when I was a kid and he was the cool uncle only 9 years older than I. But as an adult, I've found I just can't stand the man he's turned into.
I knew that going down there would be too emotional, and it was something that felt "forced." I realized that, for lack of a better word, my uncle and his wife had become pretty much irrelevant to my life.
10 days later he died. And so I returned to my parents' home for the funeral less than 2 weeks after I'd left, this time joined by my younger brother. I only spent two nights there on this trip, and I knew I wouldn't be returning two weeks later for Christmas. It's not that my parents are bad people, it's just that I am bored silly around them. We have almost nothing in common, and the things we DO have in common are only good for a few rounds of conversation. After that, I just can't stand to be there.
Part of it is being gay, but not being able to talk to them about it (they KNOW, I mean, I lived with Adrian for 5 years, but none of us have ever acknowledged it, and I'm tired of dancing around the issue). Part of it is the fact I've been out on my own for 20 years and have spent most of that time living a thousand or two thousand miles away, and have had my own life while they've had theirs. Part of it is that I've surrounded myself with friends who DO give me the intellectual, emotional, and social stimulation I need, and around them I CAN be myself, so that gives me an alternative to hanging out with my family out in the country. And finally, part of it is the example of my parents themselves. My dad was in the military and we lived all over the country, so just like my parents didn't live near their families and spend lots of time with them, I also have a life that's developed apart from my family.
This will probably leave some of my friends with a sense of disbelief, especially those who live in cultures where it's common to actually live with your parents well into your 20s and even your 30s and maybe even longer. They may think it's sad I don't have more of a bond with my family, but to me it's not sad...it's just normal. And I'm OK with it.
This shouldn't be that big a surprise, I guess. Back in April, when my mom asked about maybe coming up here for a few days, I looked at the calendar and told her there was a weekend in July when she could come but other than that it would probably be October before I could host her again, and even that was iffy. Why? Because my time was taken up with dragon boat, with races, with travel, with birthdays, with holidays...basically, with my friends. It should have been pretty obvious to me who was more important.
It's not that I don't care about my family, and I certainly don't dislike them. It's just that their lives and mine aren't relevant to each other. And while I will make some effort to keep my mom happy (I know she wants a more traditional relationship, which I can't say we've ever really had) there's only so much I'm willing to subvert my life to her wishes. I only get one life, and I'm going to live it as I need to.
So no, I didn't go home for Christmas this year, and I don't see myself doing it much in the future. As one friend put it, "they had you for 22 years...now it's time for the rest of the world to have you."
Holidays are often time for family, at least that's the tradition, but in my case it's been a time to think about family. Add in a recent funeral and you've got a mix that just screams "think deep thoughts!"
So I did. And I've come to the conclusion my family isn't as important to me as you might like to think.
I was at my parents' home for Thanksgiving last month, for three nights. It was the first time I've been there since April, only the second time since my return from Singapore (though my mom did come up for a few days in July). Just me and my folks. And three nights was all I could do...one more would have been too much.
While there I sent a note to my aunt and uncle who'd moved to Atlanta earlier this year. My uncle had a brain tumor but moved anyway to keep his job, which had moved down south, in order to keep his health insurance (I recently learned that he had the opportunity to stay in Virginia but wanted to go to stay with his friends from work). My aunt replied that if I wanted to see my uncle again I'd better come to Atlanta soon. And I knew right then I probably wouldn't make that trip. As I looked ahead to the month of December I knew getting away for a weekend would be really disruptive to my plans for the month, and so I started looking at just flying down in the morning on a weekday, visiting them for a few hours, then flying back to DC, as soon as work would allow, which would be at least 2 more weeks.
Why didn't I rush right down there? In part, because I can't stand my uncle's wife...she's a nag, she could never hold a job, she's ignorant and racist and a bad mother and she created an extra burden for my uncle for many years because she must weigh over 250 pounds. But I also realized that my uncle and I have drifted apart in the past few years, because he frankly has a lot of those same attributes...I just didn't pay as much attention to them when I was a kid and he was the cool uncle only 9 years older than I. But as an adult, I've found I just can't stand the man he's turned into.
I knew that going down there would be too emotional, and it was something that felt "forced." I realized that, for lack of a better word, my uncle and his wife had become pretty much irrelevant to my life.
10 days later he died. And so I returned to my parents' home for the funeral less than 2 weeks after I'd left, this time joined by my younger brother. I only spent two nights there on this trip, and I knew I wouldn't be returning two weeks later for Christmas. It's not that my parents are bad people, it's just that I am bored silly around them. We have almost nothing in common, and the things we DO have in common are only good for a few rounds of conversation. After that, I just can't stand to be there.
Part of it is being gay, but not being able to talk to them about it (they KNOW, I mean, I lived with Adrian for 5 years, but none of us have ever acknowledged it, and I'm tired of dancing around the issue). Part of it is the fact I've been out on my own for 20 years and have spent most of that time living a thousand or two thousand miles away, and have had my own life while they've had theirs. Part of it is that I've surrounded myself with friends who DO give me the intellectual, emotional, and social stimulation I need, and around them I CAN be myself, so that gives me an alternative to hanging out with my family out in the country. And finally, part of it is the example of my parents themselves. My dad was in the military and we lived all over the country, so just like my parents didn't live near their families and spend lots of time with them, I also have a life that's developed apart from my family.
This will probably leave some of my friends with a sense of disbelief, especially those who live in cultures where it's common to actually live with your parents well into your 20s and even your 30s and maybe even longer. They may think it's sad I don't have more of a bond with my family, but to me it's not sad...it's just normal. And I'm OK with it.
This shouldn't be that big a surprise, I guess. Back in April, when my mom asked about maybe coming up here for a few days, I looked at the calendar and told her there was a weekend in July when she could come but other than that it would probably be October before I could host her again, and even that was iffy. Why? Because my time was taken up with dragon boat, with races, with travel, with birthdays, with holidays...basically, with my friends. It should have been pretty obvious to me who was more important.
It's not that I don't care about my family, and I certainly don't dislike them. It's just that their lives and mine aren't relevant to each other. And while I will make some effort to keep my mom happy (I know she wants a more traditional relationship, which I can't say we've ever really had) there's only so much I'm willing to subvert my life to her wishes. I only get one life, and I'm going to live it as I need to.
So no, I didn't go home for Christmas this year, and I don't see myself doing it much in the future. As one friend put it, "they had you for 22 years...now it's time for the rest of the world to have you."
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Remembering Who I Am
A few weeks back I was spending the evening with a close friend and our talk turned to the months since his graduation from his master's degree program and the changes I've seen in him since then. His transition to the real world after 18 years of school has been a pretty good one...despite some uncertainty at work, he has adapted very well and is happy to be doing what he's doing there. He's also adjusted his personal life from one that revolved around papers and exams and school friends to one that allows for a bit more flexibility. Bravo. We went on to talk a bit about how things have changed for him during the two years we've known each other, and it was a nice bit of reflection.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
Labels: Friends, Life, Wandering Mind
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Age is Just a Number
People often tell me I don't seem as old as I am. Some are talking about looks, some are talking about attitude, but all of them are right. I definitely don't feel as old as I am, and while I can remember what my parents were like at this age, I don't think I'm anything like them.
But I've come to realize that this can work in the opposite direction as well. Some of my younger friends seem "older" than their ages. I put "older" in quotes (imagine me doing that thing with my fingers while talking) because they don't look older, and they don't really act a certain age. They just seem closer to my place in life than do other people of the same biological age. It's not even really about maturity...it seems like it's more about life experience.
This occurred to me today at a friend's birthday dim sum. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance (we'll call him A) that I was hanging out with recently. My friend asked me, "would you ever think of you two getting together?" I'm going to assume he was talking about dating rather than about a hookup, and my answer, pretty quickly, was no. I said that A -- though he is a thoroughly sweet guy and incredibly nice, and someone whom I love spending time with -- is just a bit too hyper and unfocused for me. Naturally, on the drive home, I thought a bit more about it.
Now, A is 23, and yes, that's a bit younger than I, and we'd also been talking about another guy (we'll call him B) who's 21 and a bit immature. But I thought, "it can't be the age." Let's think about it. Stan was 23 when we started dating last year, and we made for a pretty good pair of boyfriends. Linh is 24 now, and he and I are very close friends. What is it about these guys that sets them apart?
I really think it's a combination of all their experiences, which give them a certain perspective on life that's very different from those of some other guys their age. They've traveled, and spent time living in a foreign country. They're educated, with a strong desire to keep learning. They have an idea of what they want to do in life. They've both worked in jobs that have an important purpose behind them. It's not just that they've "grown up" (which sounds patronizing anyway), it's that they have life experiences comparable to mine. They may have more experience in some things, less in others, but the basic frameworks of our lives have enough similarity that we can understand and appreciate each other in a way that helps us create a close bond. The fact that they're 25 or 24 years old doesn't matter...since age is just a number.
If you ask me why I tend to be around younger people more than older ones, it's because there's something else I share with these guys that many people my age seem to have lost: self-discovery and a desire for new experiences. Something I realized back in my early 30s, when I started grad school, was that many of my age peers had stopped trying new things. They were settled into a routine and didn't want anything new. That's fine for them, because they're happy, but that made it tough for me to be around them, because I wasn't content to stop discovering (and I'm still not). They were too much like I remember my parents being at that age. And so I tended to be around younger people (actually, being in school made that an easy thing to do). That's something that has continued to this day.
So yeah, it's really not the numerical age that matters...it's the person, whether younger or older.
I'm very lucky to have the friends I do, both at home and overseas, because they fit me so well and make my life so much more fun and enjoyable. I don't mind getting older if I get to grow older with them.
But I've come to realize that this can work in the opposite direction as well. Some of my younger friends seem "older" than their ages. I put "older" in quotes (imagine me doing that thing with my fingers while talking) because they don't look older, and they don't really act a certain age. They just seem closer to my place in life than do other people of the same biological age. It's not even really about maturity...it seems like it's more about life experience.
This occurred to me today at a friend's birthday dim sum. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance (we'll call him A) that I was hanging out with recently. My friend asked me, "would you ever think of you two getting together?" I'm going to assume he was talking about dating rather than about a hookup, and my answer, pretty quickly, was no. I said that A -- though he is a thoroughly sweet guy and incredibly nice, and someone whom I love spending time with -- is just a bit too hyper and unfocused for me. Naturally, on the drive home, I thought a bit more about it.
Now, A is 23, and yes, that's a bit younger than I, and we'd also been talking about another guy (we'll call him B) who's 21 and a bit immature. But I thought, "it can't be the age." Let's think about it. Stan was 23 when we started dating last year, and we made for a pretty good pair of boyfriends. Linh is 24 now, and he and I are very close friends. What is it about these guys that sets them apart?
I really think it's a combination of all their experiences, which give them a certain perspective on life that's very different from those of some other guys their age. They've traveled, and spent time living in a foreign country. They're educated, with a strong desire to keep learning. They have an idea of what they want to do in life. They've both worked in jobs that have an important purpose behind them. It's not just that they've "grown up" (which sounds patronizing anyway), it's that they have life experiences comparable to mine. They may have more experience in some things, less in others, but the basic frameworks of our lives have enough similarity that we can understand and appreciate each other in a way that helps us create a close bond. The fact that they're 25 or 24 years old doesn't matter...since age is just a number.
If you ask me why I tend to be around younger people more than older ones, it's because there's something else I share with these guys that many people my age seem to have lost: self-discovery and a desire for new experiences. Something I realized back in my early 30s, when I started grad school, was that many of my age peers had stopped trying new things. They were settled into a routine and didn't want anything new. That's fine for them, because they're happy, but that made it tough for me to be around them, because I wasn't content to stop discovering (and I'm still not). They were too much like I remember my parents being at that age. And so I tended to be around younger people (actually, being in school made that an easy thing to do). That's something that has continued to this day.
So yeah, it's really not the numerical age that matters...it's the person, whether younger or older.
I'm very lucky to have the friends I do, both at home and overseas, because they fit me so well and make my life so much more fun and enjoyable. I don't mind getting older if I get to grow older with them.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Gettin' Kinda Heavy
Last night I had dinner with a friend who's getting ready to graduate from university. He's feeling a little stressed with the transition from school to the working world, thinking about what he's going to do for work, what makes him happy, how to keep from wasting the next 20 years before he figures out what he really wants to do. These are all normal questions, and I've been through this before, and of course I'm more than happy to talk with him about it.
By the time the evening ended he was apologizing for getting "so heavy" and promised that next time we'd have a movie night without talking about big stuff.
But it isn't an issue for me, talking about the big stuff. I don't mind it at all. Friends have issues, and they need to talk about them. Lord knows I do it. So hopefully, he was paying attention when I told him we could talk any time about anything he needs to discuss. I won't tell him what to do...I'm more likely to just ask questions until he figures out the answers himself.
I feel like, if there's one thing I can do for my friends, it's just to be there for them. A friend recently told me he thinks I'm one of the most empathic people he knows, able to put feelings into words better than most people. If that's the skill I've got, then I should use it for them, yes?
Lately I've been going through a bit of a transition myself, and have needed to rely on a friend. I worry sometimes that I bring too much of "the heavy stuff" with me, but I've needed the talking, and it's helped a lot. Fortunately, there are a couple friends here who can handle it, and who help me through down times, and if it weren't for them I'd be a mess. I try not to drag the heavy stuff in with me too much...it's nice to just have lunch or go shopping or watch a movie without worrying about things.
Not everyone's like that. I have another friend here (who doesn't read this, so it's OK to write about it) who will share with me what's going on with him. But if I try to raise things going on in my own life, he tends to view things only from his own perspective, wondering why I don't do things exactly like he would do, why I don't see things like I see them. That doesn't help much...it makes me feel defensive. So I don't bring the heavy stuff to him anymore, not that I ever got too awfully serious in our discussions anyway.
I guess I just feel lucky to have some friends I can count on, and if I'm able to give a tiny bit back, then that's pretty good.
As for movie night...I'm looking forward to it. And if the post-movie talk turns to the meaning of life, I'm OK with that, too.
By the time the evening ended he was apologizing for getting "so heavy" and promised that next time we'd have a movie night without talking about big stuff.
But it isn't an issue for me, talking about the big stuff. I don't mind it at all. Friends have issues, and they need to talk about them. Lord knows I do it. So hopefully, he was paying attention when I told him we could talk any time about anything he needs to discuss. I won't tell him what to do...I'm more likely to just ask questions until he figures out the answers himself.
I feel like, if there's one thing I can do for my friends, it's just to be there for them. A friend recently told me he thinks I'm one of the most empathic people he knows, able to put feelings into words better than most people. If that's the skill I've got, then I should use it for them, yes?
Lately I've been going through a bit of a transition myself, and have needed to rely on a friend. I worry sometimes that I bring too much of "the heavy stuff" with me, but I've needed the talking, and it's helped a lot. Fortunately, there are a couple friends here who can handle it, and who help me through down times, and if it weren't for them I'd be a mess. I try not to drag the heavy stuff in with me too much...it's nice to just have lunch or go shopping or watch a movie without worrying about things.
Not everyone's like that. I have another friend here (who doesn't read this, so it's OK to write about it) who will share with me what's going on with him. But if I try to raise things going on in my own life, he tends to view things only from his own perspective, wondering why I don't do things exactly like he would do, why I don't see things like I see them. That doesn't help much...it makes me feel defensive. So I don't bring the heavy stuff to him anymore, not that I ever got too awfully serious in our discussions anyway.
I guess I just feel lucky to have some friends I can count on, and if I'm able to give a tiny bit back, then that's pretty good.
As for movie night...I'm looking forward to it. And if the post-movie talk turns to the meaning of life, I'm OK with that, too.
Friday, October 09, 2009
I Don't Know What to Do With This
It's been almost 2 months since I last wrote. In that time I've:
- helped Stan move to Denver and saw a wonderful romantic relationship change forms
- visited Vancouver for the first time
- spent two days with my gay uncle
- been knocked on my ass (and into a Canadian emergency room) by a kidney stone
- gone to the US Open in New York with my friend Kevin
- seen Scooter and Paulo for the first time in forever
- interviewed for my next assignment
- visited friends in Singapore, Malaysia, and Hong Kong over a 20-day period
- gone to Indonesia for the first time, when Ed and I visited Bintan
- finally met Ben, with whom I'd talked in Singapore but never met
- done a photo shoot with Linh for next year's calendar
- set a new personal record for the 10-mile distance in the Army 10-Miler (80m, 36s)
- tried to figure out how to spend my weekends now that my boyfriend's moved away
- attended the Asian-Pacific American film festival
- started playing Scrabble on my iPhone with Danny
Some of these are more important than others, but the common factor is: I haven't blogged about any of them.
I'm not sure why not. Does Facebook allow me to post enough snippets that I don't feel the need for a blog? Is my professional blog taking away from the time I'd spend on my personal one? Do I feel like the only people reading this are the ones involved in what I'd be writing about? Am I assuming no one's reading this anyway? Am I still freaked out by getting my identity blown last spring?
Or do I just not want to do this anymore?
Last week was the 9th anniversary of my blog, now with its third URL, and I didn't even realize that fact until 20 seconds ago.
This has always been a way for me to record my life. It's had secondary purposes of keeping friends around the world informed of what I'm doing, and meeting new people as well, but I don't know how important those are anymore. Perhaps I should focus on the first goal, and do this in a format that's useful to me.
Any thoughts?
- helped Stan move to Denver and saw a wonderful romantic relationship change forms
- visited Vancouver for the first time
- spent two days with my gay uncle
- been knocked on my ass (and into a Canadian emergency room) by a kidney stone
- gone to the US Open in New York with my friend Kevin
- seen Scooter and Paulo for the first time in forever
- interviewed for my next assignment
- visited friends in Singapore, Malaysia, and Hong Kong over a 20-day period
- gone to Indonesia for the first time, when Ed and I visited Bintan
- finally met Ben, with whom I'd talked in Singapore but never met
- done a photo shoot with Linh for next year's calendar
- set a new personal record for the 10-mile distance in the Army 10-Miler (80m, 36s)
- tried to figure out how to spend my weekends now that my boyfriend's moved away
- attended the Asian-Pacific American film festival
- started playing Scrabble on my iPhone with Danny
Some of these are more important than others, but the common factor is: I haven't blogged about any of them.
I'm not sure why not. Does Facebook allow me to post enough snippets that I don't feel the need for a blog? Is my professional blog taking away from the time I'd spend on my personal one? Do I feel like the only people reading this are the ones involved in what I'd be writing about? Am I assuming no one's reading this anyway? Am I still freaked out by getting my identity blown last spring?
Or do I just not want to do this anymore?
Last week was the 9th anniversary of my blog, now with its third URL, and I didn't even realize that fact until 20 seconds ago.
This has always been a way for me to record my life. It's had secondary purposes of keeping friends around the world informed of what I'm doing, and meeting new people as well, but I don't know how important those are anymore. Perhaps I should focus on the first goal, and do this in a format that's useful to me.
Any thoughts?
Labels: Blogging, Life, Questions
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Reach Out and Touch Someone
So, I did something Friday I haven't done in a while: I left for work and forgot my phone at home.
I realized it as soon as the elevator got to the ground floor, but knew my bus would be there in a minute and if I missed it, I'd need to drive to work, which means paying $14 for parking, and I'd rather not do that just to retrieve my phone. But I considered it...
It shouldn't be that big a deal. My office was designed in a way that I don't have phone coverage in there, so it's not like I keep it with me all the time. But I usually send a message or two while commuting to work, and I can step out during the day and check for calls or SMS I might have missed, or take a look at email or Facebook, two other things I don't have access to in my office. In fact, I had two messages in mind that I intended to send while riding the train, but they had to wait.
This, of course, was after I left my ATM card in a machine the previous evening. I cancelled it within 2 hours and now get to wait a week or more for a new one. It disturbs me when I get absentminded all of a sudden. I had a couple other things I forgot this weekend, too, and it always makes me nervous when that starts to happen. My identity is based on being "the smart guy" and if I lose that, I think I'm screwed, so anything going wrong in the brain really bothers me.
On the bus headed for the metro station I felt totally disconnected from the world, and that seems weird. I was surrounded by people on the bus, I was about to be surrounded by more people on the train, and of course I'm about the see my co-workers, yet I had a feeling I was cutoff. My guess is that the reason why is because those people who were physically around me aren't people whom I chose to have around me. The people I choose are the ones who happen to be on the other end of that phone, whether they're 10,000 miles away or 1 mile away.
I'm thinking that's one of the joys of our evolving technology: more choice in terms of who we keep as active parts of our lives. Moving away doesn't mean we have to drop people from our daily lives. Meeting someone while on vacation no longer has to be just a "one-time" thing but instead can lead to a lifelong friendship. Planning things with our local friends gets easier. We're no longer forced to include the people imposed upon us - co-workers, neighbors - in our lives simply in order to have someone to communicate with and have someone to talk to day-to-day. Instead, we have a choice. We can end relationships or we can maintain them, but we have more options now.
I like the choices I've made and I'm surrounded by some pretty great people even when they aren't right there next to me. So being out of touch with them, even for only 10 hours, shakes me up I guess.
I realized it as soon as the elevator got to the ground floor, but knew my bus would be there in a minute and if I missed it, I'd need to drive to work, which means paying $14 for parking, and I'd rather not do that just to retrieve my phone. But I considered it...
It shouldn't be that big a deal. My office was designed in a way that I don't have phone coverage in there, so it's not like I keep it with me all the time. But I usually send a message or two while commuting to work, and I can step out during the day and check for calls or SMS I might have missed, or take a look at email or Facebook, two other things I don't have access to in my office. In fact, I had two messages in mind that I intended to send while riding the train, but they had to wait.
This, of course, was after I left my ATM card in a machine the previous evening. I cancelled it within 2 hours and now get to wait a week or more for a new one. It disturbs me when I get absentminded all of a sudden. I had a couple other things I forgot this weekend, too, and it always makes me nervous when that starts to happen. My identity is based on being "the smart guy" and if I lose that, I think I'm screwed, so anything going wrong in the brain really bothers me.
On the bus headed for the metro station I felt totally disconnected from the world, and that seems weird. I was surrounded by people on the bus, I was about to be surrounded by more people on the train, and of course I'm about the see my co-workers, yet I had a feeling I was cutoff. My guess is that the reason why is because those people who were physically around me aren't people whom I chose to have around me. The people I choose are the ones who happen to be on the other end of that phone, whether they're 10,000 miles away or 1 mile away.
I'm thinking that's one of the joys of our evolving technology: more choice in terms of who we keep as active parts of our lives. Moving away doesn't mean we have to drop people from our daily lives. Meeting someone while on vacation no longer has to be just a "one-time" thing but instead can lead to a lifelong friendship. Planning things with our local friends gets easier. We're no longer forced to include the people imposed upon us - co-workers, neighbors - in our lives simply in order to have someone to communicate with and have someone to talk to day-to-day. Instead, we have a choice. We can end relationships or we can maintain them, but we have more options now.
I like the choices I've made and I'm surrounded by some pretty great people even when they aren't right there next to me. So being out of touch with them, even for only 10 hours, shakes me up I guess.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Week's End Approaching
The week started out nicely with time spent with friends. Friday night I set a new personal record for Distance Parked From The Bar (8 blocks) and Time Spent Looking For A Parking Space (1 hour). Stan heard words come out of my mouth he'd never heard before. But we had a nice time out with friends.
Saturday I helped my friend Kim get packed up as he set out for Chicago. Sorry to see him go. That night Stan and I saw Terminator Salvation, and while it had some interesting moments, it was mostly "eh." But we had ice cream afterwards so yay for that.
Sunday was a day spent downtown. Linh met us for a couple hours and we enjoyed a nice day.
The bulk of the week has been spent on housework, getting travel details together for me and Stan to go to Denver next month (househunting for him) and working on some photo projects. Stan and I went to see Up in 3D and that was very fun, much better than Terminator. And we had pancakes for dinner, so once again, yay for that.
The weekend will be a slow one because I'm headed to my folks' place Saturday for a visit. Since I've been home 3 months and haven't been to see them yet I'm in danger of being dropped out of the will, so I better get down there. Stan is also visiting his parents back home, so we timed our visits right.
It may not sound like an exciting week, but I've enjoyed it. :-)
Saturday I helped my friend Kim get packed up as he set out for Chicago. Sorry to see him go. That night Stan and I saw Terminator Salvation, and while it had some interesting moments, it was mostly "eh." But we had ice cream afterwards so yay for that.
Sunday was a day spent downtown. Linh met us for a couple hours and we enjoyed a nice day.
The bulk of the week has been spent on housework, getting travel details together for me and Stan to go to Denver next month (househunting for him) and working on some photo projects. Stan and I went to see Up in 3D and that was very fun, much better than Terminator. And we had pancakes for dinner, so once again, yay for that.
The weekend will be a slow one because I'm headed to my folks' place Saturday for a visit. Since I've been home 3 months and haven't been to see them yet I'm in danger of being dropped out of the will, so I better get down there. Stan is also visiting his parents back home, so we timed our visits right.
It may not sound like an exciting week, but I've enjoyed it. :-)
Labels: Friends, Life, Relationships
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Dragonboat Weekend
In response to Derek's comment on Facebook: oh yeah, I dragonboat!
Well, once a year, anyway. :P
I'm on a team called Out2Paddle, and we compete each year in the Washington DC Dragonboat Festival. The team comes from a group called AQUA, which stands for Asian/Pacific Islander Queers United for Action, and yes, I'm a member (don't forget, I'm Asian on the inside). AQUA has a couple interesting goals: to raise the visibility of Asians in the LGBT community, and to raise the visibility of LGBTs in the Asian community. After four years of doing this, we can safely say that awareness has been raised.
In the past our group has been known the fun we have, the warmups we do, the cheers we yell, and our drummer who wears a tiara. We've done well in the competition -- two years ago we got gold medals in one of the lower divisions, and last year (my first) we took a silver and a bronze -- but we wanted to do better. This was our comeback year. And after this year, we're known, and respected, for our ability as well as our fun.
Yeah, we kicked ass. The video below shows us winning the 250m gold medal on Saturday (we're in the yellow boat, and yes, it was a photo finish -- we won by a second).
The pic below shows us, in the green boat, about to win the gold in the 500m race by 3 seconds, against a group that has talked a little trash in the past. But not anymore.
Based on our time trials and our performance in the semifinals, we moved up to the top division both days, the Open "A" Major division. Even though we won golds two years ago, those were in lower, slower divisions. This year, we proved we can race with the best AND WIN!!!!!!
Stan had a friend down from Philadelphia racing on anther team and he said we should come up for a big festival in October. Hmmmmm...take this show on the road? We just might.
I should add that our team included one Singaporean and one Malaysian, both working in the US. And one of the best things about dragonboat was meeting some new friends, people I look forward to hanging out with in the summer to come.
Ladies and gents, I give you the 2009 Washington DC Dragonboat Festival double gold medalists and #1 totally fabulous team:
Well, once a year, anyway. :P
I'm on a team called Out2Paddle, and we compete each year in the Washington DC Dragonboat Festival. The team comes from a group called AQUA, which stands for Asian/Pacific Islander Queers United for Action, and yes, I'm a member (don't forget, I'm Asian on the inside). AQUA has a couple interesting goals: to raise the visibility of Asians in the LGBT community, and to raise the visibility of LGBTs in the Asian community. After four years of doing this, we can safely say that awareness has been raised.
In the past our group has been known the fun we have, the warmups we do, the cheers we yell, and our drummer who wears a tiara. We've done well in the competition -- two years ago we got gold medals in one of the lower divisions, and last year (my first) we took a silver and a bronze -- but we wanted to do better. This was our comeback year. And after this year, we're known, and respected, for our ability as well as our fun.
Yeah, we kicked ass. The video below shows us winning the 250m gold medal on Saturday (we're in the yellow boat, and yes, it was a photo finish -- we won by a second).
The pic below shows us, in the green boat, about to win the gold in the 500m race by 3 seconds, against a group that has talked a little trash in the past. But not anymore.
Based on our time trials and our performance in the semifinals, we moved up to the top division both days, the Open "A" Major division. Even though we won golds two years ago, those were in lower, slower divisions. This year, we proved we can race with the best AND WIN!!!!!!
Stan had a friend down from Philadelphia racing on anther team and he said we should come up for a big festival in October. Hmmmmm...take this show on the road? We just might.
I should add that our team included one Singaporean and one Malaysian, both working in the US. And one of the best things about dragonboat was meeting some new friends, people I look forward to hanging out with in the summer to come.
Ladies and gents, I give you the 2009 Washington DC Dragonboat Festival double gold medalists and #1 totally fabulous team:
Sunday, May 10, 2009
And Finally, It's Back
After a month of downtime, it's time to get back up and running. An explanation:
I've always drawn a thick line between my professional life and my personal life. A few months ago a woman got to know me professionally, and I didn't realize she was becoming obsessed with me. She lives a thousand miles away but was here visiting family last month and asked to meet for lunch. We did, it was fine (we went to the same secondary school, though at different times, and have mutual friends, so that's the link between us), and I thought no more of it. She, however, asked me to get together a couple more times, and I declined, thinking that this was getting a bit odd. After she returned home, she spent a few hours one night searching online for stuff about me, and through a weird series of events that linked from my professional Facebook to my professional blog to a twitter account to a friend's Twitter account t and to his blog, she found my personal blog. And spent the next 6 hours reading up on the last three years of my life. (according to my site stats)
Not only did this pose a risk to my career, it also highlighted the fact that even though I'd been careful during the almost 9 years my blog has been up (and almost 10 years for the website), the protections I'd taken neglected to account for emerging technologies like Facebook and Twitter. I'd made it easier to connect the dots and find me, not just for her, but for anyone who might be looking for info about me.
So, I had to take down my website and my blog, and try to erase about 10 years of online presence from various search engine caches and web directories. It pisses me off, because in addition to all my personal history that was reflected online (so many things have happened in all this time), I also had stuff up there to help queer youth and others trying to find their way in this world, and that's all down now (though I'm finding a way to get it all back up without any connection to me).
Another change, of course, is this blog, which will now be maintained on Blogger rather than resting on my regular domain. By hosting it on Blogger I can control access to it, which still sucks (I prefer open access) but if I'm going to have pix and talk about things going on with friends, I need to limit it to people I know, or friends of friends, or basically just to people who wish me no harm.
The URL, by the way, is based on something William and Janvier call me. It works.
The website will be back up and running, and I encourage people to keep checking that out. Also, I'll try to do a better job with this blog than I have in the last few months...focus on shorter, to-the-point entries rather than long tales, so at least I'll post stories rather than putting it off and putting it off. I love writing, and this is a good opportunity to express myself...my professional blog lets me write one way but this one lets me write from the heart (and other body parts).
What sucked the most about all of this was that my blog has been the means for meeting many great friends, such as Scooter in NYC, Azhan from Penang, the KL BFFs (plus Derek in SG, my favorite hybrid :P), and many others. Knowing those friends has opened many new opportunities for me (I doubt I would have done my academic exchange to SG without knowing all these guys first), so it pains me to have to go through these changes. Losing that means of meeting people easily is a great loss to me.
But anyway...I'm back, baby!!!!!
I've always drawn a thick line between my professional life and my personal life. A few months ago a woman got to know me professionally, and I didn't realize she was becoming obsessed with me. She lives a thousand miles away but was here visiting family last month and asked to meet for lunch. We did, it was fine (we went to the same secondary school, though at different times, and have mutual friends, so that's the link between us), and I thought no more of it. She, however, asked me to get together a couple more times, and I declined, thinking that this was getting a bit odd. After she returned home, she spent a few hours one night searching online for stuff about me, and through a weird series of events that linked from my professional Facebook to my professional blog to a twitter account to a friend's Twitter account t and to his blog, she found my personal blog. And spent the next 6 hours reading up on the last three years of my life. (according to my site stats)
Not only did this pose a risk to my career, it also highlighted the fact that even though I'd been careful during the almost 9 years my blog has been up (and almost 10 years for the website), the protections I'd taken neglected to account for emerging technologies like Facebook and Twitter. I'd made it easier to connect the dots and find me, not just for her, but for anyone who might be looking for info about me.
So, I had to take down my website and my blog, and try to erase about 10 years of online presence from various search engine caches and web directories. It pisses me off, because in addition to all my personal history that was reflected online (so many things have happened in all this time), I also had stuff up there to help queer youth and others trying to find their way in this world, and that's all down now (though I'm finding a way to get it all back up without any connection to me).
Another change, of course, is this blog, which will now be maintained on Blogger rather than resting on my regular domain. By hosting it on Blogger I can control access to it, which still sucks (I prefer open access) but if I'm going to have pix and talk about things going on with friends, I need to limit it to people I know, or friends of friends, or basically just to people who wish me no harm.
The URL, by the way, is based on something William and Janvier call me. It works.
The website will be back up and running, and I encourage people to keep checking that out. Also, I'll try to do a better job with this blog than I have in the last few months...focus on shorter, to-the-point entries rather than long tales, so at least I'll post stories rather than putting it off and putting it off. I love writing, and this is a good opportunity to express myself...my professional blog lets me write one way but this one lets me write from the heart (and other body parts).
What sucked the most about all of this was that my blog has been the means for meeting many great friends, such as Scooter in NYC, Azhan from Penang, the KL BFFs (plus Derek in SG, my favorite hybrid :P), and many others. Knowing those friends has opened many new opportunities for me (I doubt I would have done my academic exchange to SG without knowing all these guys first), so it pains me to have to go through these changes. Losing that means of meeting people easily is a great loss to me.
But anyway...I'm back, baby!!!!!
Labels: Blogging, Friends, Life, Website, Work
