Sunday, November 01, 2009
Age is Just a Number
People often tell me I don't seem as old as I am. Some are talking about looks, some are talking about attitude, but all of them are right. I definitely don't feel as old as I am, and while I can remember what my parents were like at this age, I don't think I'm anything like them.
But I've come to realize that this can work in the opposite direction as well. Some of my younger friends seem "older" than their ages. I put "older" in quotes (imagine me doing that thing with my fingers while talking) because they don't look older, and they don't really act a certain age. They just seem closer to my place in life than do other people of the same biological age. It's not even really about maturity...it seems like it's more about life experience.
This occurred to me today at a friend's birthday dim sum. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance (we'll call him A) that I was hanging out with recently. My friend asked me, "would you ever think of you two getting together?" I'm going to assume he was talking about dating rather than about a hookup, and my answer, pretty quickly, was no. I said that A -- though he is a thoroughly sweet guy and incredibly nice, and someone whom I love spending time with -- is just a bit too hyper and unfocused for me. Naturally, on the drive home, I thought a bit more about it.
Now, A is 23, and yes, that's a bit younger than I, and we'd also been talking about another guy (we'll call him B) who's 21 and a bit immature. But I thought, "it can't be the age." Let's think about it. Stan was 23 when we started dating last year, and we made for a pretty good pair of boyfriends. Linh is 24 now, and he and I are very close friends. What is it about these guys that sets them apart?
I really think it's a combination of all their experiences, which give them a certain perspective on life that's very different from those of some other guys their age. They've traveled, and spent time living in a foreign country. They're educated, with a strong desire to keep learning. They have an idea of what they want to do in life. They've both worked in jobs that have an important purpose behind them. It's not just that they've "grown up" (which sounds patronizing anyway), it's that they have life experiences comparable to mine. They may have more experience in some things, less in others, but the basic frameworks of our lives have enough similarity that we can understand and appreciate each other in a way that helps us create a close bond. The fact that they're 25 or 24 years old doesn't matter...since age is just a number.
If you ask me why I tend to be around younger people more than older ones, it's because there's something else I share with these guys that many people my age seem to have lost: self-discovery and a desire for new experiences. Something I realized back in my early 30s, when I started grad school, was that many of my age peers had stopped trying new things. They were settled into a routine and didn't want anything new. That's fine for them, because they're happy, but that made it tough for me to be around them, because I wasn't content to stop discovering (and I'm still not). They were too much like I remember my parents being at that age. And so I tended to be around younger people (actually, being in school made that an easy thing to do). That's something that has continued to this day.
So yeah, it's really not the numerical age that matters...it's the person, whether younger or older.
I'm very lucky to have the friends I do, both at home and overseas, because they fit me so well and make my life so much more fun and enjoyable. I don't mind getting older if I get to grow older with them.
But I've come to realize that this can work in the opposite direction as well. Some of my younger friends seem "older" than their ages. I put "older" in quotes (imagine me doing that thing with my fingers while talking) because they don't look older, and they don't really act a certain age. They just seem closer to my place in life than do other people of the same biological age. It's not even really about maturity...it seems like it's more about life experience.
This occurred to me today at a friend's birthday dim sum. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance (we'll call him A) that I was hanging out with recently. My friend asked me, "would you ever think of you two getting together?" I'm going to assume he was talking about dating rather than about a hookup, and my answer, pretty quickly, was no. I said that A -- though he is a thoroughly sweet guy and incredibly nice, and someone whom I love spending time with -- is just a bit too hyper and unfocused for me. Naturally, on the drive home, I thought a bit more about it.
Now, A is 23, and yes, that's a bit younger than I, and we'd also been talking about another guy (we'll call him B) who's 21 and a bit immature. But I thought, "it can't be the age." Let's think about it. Stan was 23 when we started dating last year, and we made for a pretty good pair of boyfriends. Linh is 24 now, and he and I are very close friends. What is it about these guys that sets them apart?
I really think it's a combination of all their experiences, which give them a certain perspective on life that's very different from those of some other guys their age. They've traveled, and spent time living in a foreign country. They're educated, with a strong desire to keep learning. They have an idea of what they want to do in life. They've both worked in jobs that have an important purpose behind them. It's not just that they've "grown up" (which sounds patronizing anyway), it's that they have life experiences comparable to mine. They may have more experience in some things, less in others, but the basic frameworks of our lives have enough similarity that we can understand and appreciate each other in a way that helps us create a close bond. The fact that they're 25 or 24 years old doesn't matter...since age is just a number.
If you ask me why I tend to be around younger people more than older ones, it's because there's something else I share with these guys that many people my age seem to have lost: self-discovery and a desire for new experiences. Something I realized back in my early 30s, when I started grad school, was that many of my age peers had stopped trying new things. They were settled into a routine and didn't want anything new. That's fine for them, because they're happy, but that made it tough for me to be around them, because I wasn't content to stop discovering (and I'm still not). They were too much like I remember my parents being at that age. And so I tended to be around younger people (actually, being in school made that an easy thing to do). That's something that has continued to this day.
So yeah, it's really not the numerical age that matters...it's the person, whether younger or older.
I'm very lucky to have the friends I do, both at home and overseas, because they fit me so well and make my life so much more fun and enjoyable. I don't mind getting older if I get to grow older with them.
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I didn't realize before but my ex-colleague told me that he likes to talk to me because I had stayed overseas before, as opposed to a holiday overseas. Different experience he said, I don't quite get it. But I guess there's a difference. And yes, there will be a certain group of people whom you can relate to and the rest whom you can't.
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