Thursday, December 31, 2009
Another Year Past, Another Year Forward
It's that time again...time to reflect back on the year behind us and see what it meant to me.
I'm ending this year in a very different place than last year, at least geographically: back in DC. My return from Singapore in March was bittersweet; I came back to people who are important to me but left behind a life that I enjoyed. I had a fantastic time teaching and my time there ended on a high note. While I was there I really enjoyed the way I lived my life, it was a very social place with people doing stuff together every night. I resolved to live that way after coming home and to a large extent I've succeeded, though I can do a better job of balancing that! I miss Singapore, which is the main reason I headed back that way in September and would love to go back there again. At the time, living there permanently was a possibility, but with some changes in my career plans that option is on hold for now.
Those career changes have been interesting so far, and I'm curious to see what happens in 2010. Though I was planning on retiring from my current career and shifting gears to try something brand new, I was unexpectedly selected for promotion, and that has changed everything. Though I considered turning down the promotion -- after all, I'd already made the mental adjustments I needed to be ready to retire -- I realized there might be some interesting things I could do with this increased rank. As it turns out I've been interviewing for a teaching position here in town, and I think I have a good shot at it. If for some reason that doesn't work out then I'll have some decisions to make...there's a good chance I'll end up turning down the promotion if the assignment doesn't work out like I want. But it's still nice to be selected, because for someone like me who's done a lot of unusual things and who hasn't followed anything like a normal career path, getting promoted was a big surprise indeed.
Career-wise, by the way, my current job hasn't changed at all. It still sucks, and has all year. The saving grace has been that it's given me the chance to do different things outside my regular job because what I do day-to-day isn't very demanding.
Academically, I didn't do much after returning from Singapore. I didn't publish any papers this year, though I did finish a study that I think the State Department is using in crafting their Asia policy, and I presented a paper at a conference, so those are good things. I've still kept up with my writing, not only with my professional blog (which went over 200 entries this year) but also by writing a monthly column for a business newspaper here. Fun!
As is always the case in my life, the most important thing this year has been time with friends. I made some great new friends in Singapore...meeting Joshua at the end of 2008 turned out to be a great thing as our friendship took off and turned into something wonderful. At first I was happy to know him because I thought it was cool that a straight guy in Singapore was so open-minded, but I later I was happy just because he's a great guy. Immediately after the New Year I met Ed, who turned out to be one of my best friends there and to whom I still feel very close (in fact, we talked just this morning). A traveler like me, he managed to arrange his autumn vacation so we could spend about a week together in Singapore when I went back that way in September. It was during that trip that I finally got to know Ben in Singapore, a friend of Linh's whom I'd tried to get to know when I lived there but it just never worked out. In terms of meeting new people here at home, I'd have to say meeting Kevin was the highlight of my year. A doctor from Singapore here on a 2-year fellowship, he was on our dragon boat team and we ended up becoming good friends...during the summer it wasn't uncommon to see him, Stan, Linh and I running around town. I'm sorry he'll be leaving for home soon, but happy to know him. There are a few other folks I've met here whom I'd like to know better, but so far that's been moving slowly...people seem a little too busy to be making new friends, I guess.
Stan and I enjoyed the year together, up to and including his return to DC over Christmas. We had a wonderful relationship as boyfriends which has gone through some changes with his move to Denver and grad school, but that hasn't stopped him from being one of the most important people in my life. I'm very proud of him...he knew what he wanted, he overcame early frustrations to get it, and he's made the shift from full-time worker to full-time student with more ease than I think he realizes. I treasure what we had this year and I treasure what we still have...despite the change in his life, some things won't change.
Linh is my other close friend who went through a big transition this year, as he finished his graduate work and entered the "real" world (fortunately, staying in DC). We knew each other within about 6 weeks of his starting grad school so I got to see that entire process and was really pleased with the growth I saw in him, academically and personally, over those 2 years. I had a feeling that once he left school and had a more normal life we'd have a chance for our already great friendship to grow, and indeed it has. This is one of those friendships that I think will endure no matter what happens in the future.
Since Stan's departure in August I've pretty much avoided dating. I realized that since August 2000 I've either been in a relationship or living with my ex in a weird sort of limbo (Adrian, by the way, moved into his own place in July, leaving me in sole possession of the condo). Having spent all that time with people I decided I needed to make sure I'm OK on my own, that I haven't fallen into that trap of needing to be in a relationship. It's been a bit rocky at times but I'm getting a better handle on who I am as an individual, which had gotten a bit fuzzy at times over the years. Frankly, at this point, I'm waiting to see if someone asks ME out, rather than the other way around.
It's been a year for travel, as every year is for me. While living in Singapore I visited Bangkok and Hong Kong, and stopped in Tokyo for a few days on the way home, my first time there. Stan and I visited San Francisco, New York, and Denver, in addition to our 3-day road trip when we moved him out there. Kevin and I got to go to New York for the US Open, and I also made a later visit there on my own. I also got in a quick trip to Chicago for an academic conference, and that was good, even though it was COLD!! (and I finally got to meet David C on that trip!) In September I managed a 3-week trip back to KL to see my friends there (hi William, David, Azhan, Eddie, Janvier, DanielHenry, Froggy, and all the boys and girls) (and hi Nase, who I finally met!), to Singapore for the same reason, to Hong Kong for exactly the same reason (and to see the Big Buddha and finally go up Victoria Peak), and to Bintan Island for a couple days on the beach with Ed and one more ASEAN stamp in my passport. After going with Stan to Denver in August I headed to Vancouver to check out that city and also see my uncle in Victoria. Good times, eh.
Fitness-wise things only got better this year. I continued to improve my race times, missing my goal of breaking 80 minutes in the 10-miler but still running faster (and missing my goal by mere seconds) while shaving 14 minutes off my previous best marathon time. I ran the Hong Kong Marathon in February (my third) and set a personal record in that, with Tony and Max meeting me at the Finish with cupcakes and a Cathay Pacific flight crew who thought it was the greatest thing that I'd flown in just for the race. The next month Stan and I ran an 8K race in DC, the first race he's ever run, and I was so proud of him for doing that. I later ran two 10-milers and capped off the year with the Marine Corps Marathon, where I absolutely ripped up my old record and set a new standard of performance for myself. Much of my success has been due, I think, to a big improvement in my overall fitness. I've kept up with my gym routines from Singapore and have seen continuing improvement in my body, so much so that I was excited to be photographed for a friend's swimsuit calendar with Linh (and yes, we look hot!). Still not where I want it to be, but definitely getting there.
My health is still good, knock on wood. After 2008's cancer scare I had to have a follow-up colonoscopy this summer, and it came back OK. In Canada I had a sudden kidney stone attack, something that's never happened to me before and it scared me because I didn't know what it was, but after a few hours in the emergency room and some good meds over the next two days, I was fine. A couple of friends and family members have had tragic health problems this year, and those have reinforced my desire to live life as fully as I can now, for you never know when this precious gift can be taken from you.
As I reflect on the year gone by, I don't see much that's new. I had some great times, some great experiences, but mostly they came from the continuation of things I was already doing, or maybe some improvements...nothing really new. I can't think of too many new challenges that I took on, not much new that I studied and learned. That's unusual for me, and I'm not really sure why that happened. Did I just need a rest from change at the end of the decade? Do I have so many great things in my life that I didn't feel the need to add a lot of new stuff? I'm not sure. I guess it's OK, since part of the reason for not doing some new things I expected was the dramatic shift in career plans this year, but if I had to put my finger on what 2009 meant to me, it's kind of elusive. Next year, I have some new things lined up, and some emerging interests I want to explore...we'll see where those go!
When I look back at last year's end of the year post, I realize there are a couple things i said I hoped to do in 2009 that I didn't accomplish. First, I wanted to get back to Hawaii this year, but that didn't happen. I was planning to go in December to run the Honolulu Marathon and then stay for a vacation, but I realized a few things. First, I knew that I needed to save my legs rather than running a race only 7 weeks after the Marine Corps Marathon (a lesson I learned last year). Plus, I should save my money and my vacation days...one reason for not going was because of the big trip to Asia in September and I should be saving up after that for some travel coming early next year. And finally, I wasn't really in the mood to travel alone on this one...Linh had mentioned in July the possibility of going out there with me, but like me he had some big travel later in the year that didn't allow for a Hawaiian vacation in December. So, that one's on hold. I also didn't go to Thailand for massage school or kickboxing camp, mostly because I couldn't fit it into the September trip. But I'm planning to be back there in March and have already registered with the massage school (after seeing kickboxing in Bangkok last January I realized I probably don't need to go to kickboxing camp!). The other thing I wanted to do but don't feel I did was work on strengthening some friendships here, but I think I'll save that discussion for another time.
And yes, I'm looking forward to the future as well...to things I have planned for next year, to things I would like to do in the next year, and to things I still need to do at some point in my life. But I'll cover those next time.
For now, I'll just wish everyone a Happy New Year!!!!!
I'm ending this year in a very different place than last year, at least geographically: back in DC. My return from Singapore in March was bittersweet; I came back to people who are important to me but left behind a life that I enjoyed. I had a fantastic time teaching and my time there ended on a high note. While I was there I really enjoyed the way I lived my life, it was a very social place with people doing stuff together every night. I resolved to live that way after coming home and to a large extent I've succeeded, though I can do a better job of balancing that! I miss Singapore, which is the main reason I headed back that way in September and would love to go back there again. At the time, living there permanently was a possibility, but with some changes in my career plans that option is on hold for now.
Those career changes have been interesting so far, and I'm curious to see what happens in 2010. Though I was planning on retiring from my current career and shifting gears to try something brand new, I was unexpectedly selected for promotion, and that has changed everything. Though I considered turning down the promotion -- after all, I'd already made the mental adjustments I needed to be ready to retire -- I realized there might be some interesting things I could do with this increased rank. As it turns out I've been interviewing for a teaching position here in town, and I think I have a good shot at it. If for some reason that doesn't work out then I'll have some decisions to make...there's a good chance I'll end up turning down the promotion if the assignment doesn't work out like I want. But it's still nice to be selected, because for someone like me who's done a lot of unusual things and who hasn't followed anything like a normal career path, getting promoted was a big surprise indeed.
Career-wise, by the way, my current job hasn't changed at all. It still sucks, and has all year. The saving grace has been that it's given me the chance to do different things outside my regular job because what I do day-to-day isn't very demanding.
Academically, I didn't do much after returning from Singapore. I didn't publish any papers this year, though I did finish a study that I think the State Department is using in crafting their Asia policy, and I presented a paper at a conference, so those are good things. I've still kept up with my writing, not only with my professional blog (which went over 200 entries this year) but also by writing a monthly column for a business newspaper here. Fun!
As is always the case in my life, the most important thing this year has been time with friends. I made some great new friends in Singapore...meeting Joshua at the end of 2008 turned out to be a great thing as our friendship took off and turned into something wonderful. At first I was happy to know him because I thought it was cool that a straight guy in Singapore was so open-minded, but I later I was happy just because he's a great guy. Immediately after the New Year I met Ed, who turned out to be one of my best friends there and to whom I still feel very close (in fact, we talked just this morning). A traveler like me, he managed to arrange his autumn vacation so we could spend about a week together in Singapore when I went back that way in September. It was during that trip that I finally got to know Ben in Singapore, a friend of Linh's whom I'd tried to get to know when I lived there but it just never worked out. In terms of meeting new people here at home, I'd have to say meeting Kevin was the highlight of my year. A doctor from Singapore here on a 2-year fellowship, he was on our dragon boat team and we ended up becoming good friends...during the summer it wasn't uncommon to see him, Stan, Linh and I running around town. I'm sorry he'll be leaving for home soon, but happy to know him. There are a few other folks I've met here whom I'd like to know better, but so far that's been moving slowly...people seem a little too busy to be making new friends, I guess.
Stan and I enjoyed the year together, up to and including his return to DC over Christmas. We had a wonderful relationship as boyfriends which has gone through some changes with his move to Denver and grad school, but that hasn't stopped him from being one of the most important people in my life. I'm very proud of him...he knew what he wanted, he overcame early frustrations to get it, and he's made the shift from full-time worker to full-time student with more ease than I think he realizes. I treasure what we had this year and I treasure what we still have...despite the change in his life, some things won't change.
Linh is my other close friend who went through a big transition this year, as he finished his graduate work and entered the "real" world (fortunately, staying in DC). We knew each other within about 6 weeks of his starting grad school so I got to see that entire process and was really pleased with the growth I saw in him, academically and personally, over those 2 years. I had a feeling that once he left school and had a more normal life we'd have a chance for our already great friendship to grow, and indeed it has. This is one of those friendships that I think will endure no matter what happens in the future.
Since Stan's departure in August I've pretty much avoided dating. I realized that since August 2000 I've either been in a relationship or living with my ex in a weird sort of limbo (Adrian, by the way, moved into his own place in July, leaving me in sole possession of the condo). Having spent all that time with people I decided I needed to make sure I'm OK on my own, that I haven't fallen into that trap of needing to be in a relationship. It's been a bit rocky at times but I'm getting a better handle on who I am as an individual, which had gotten a bit fuzzy at times over the years. Frankly, at this point, I'm waiting to see if someone asks ME out, rather than the other way around.
It's been a year for travel, as every year is for me. While living in Singapore I visited Bangkok and Hong Kong, and stopped in Tokyo for a few days on the way home, my first time there. Stan and I visited San Francisco, New York, and Denver, in addition to our 3-day road trip when we moved him out there. Kevin and I got to go to New York for the US Open, and I also made a later visit there on my own. I also got in a quick trip to Chicago for an academic conference, and that was good, even though it was COLD!! (and I finally got to meet David C on that trip!) In September I managed a 3-week trip back to KL to see my friends there (hi William, David, Azhan, Eddie, Janvier, DanielHenry, Froggy, and all the boys and girls) (and hi Nase, who I finally met!), to Singapore for the same reason, to Hong Kong for exactly the same reason (and to see the Big Buddha and finally go up Victoria Peak), and to Bintan Island for a couple days on the beach with Ed and one more ASEAN stamp in my passport. After going with Stan to Denver in August I headed to Vancouver to check out that city and also see my uncle in Victoria. Good times, eh.
Fitness-wise things only got better this year. I continued to improve my race times, missing my goal of breaking 80 minutes in the 10-miler but still running faster (and missing my goal by mere seconds) while shaving 14 minutes off my previous best marathon time. I ran the Hong Kong Marathon in February (my third) and set a personal record in that, with Tony and Max meeting me at the Finish with cupcakes and a Cathay Pacific flight crew who thought it was the greatest thing that I'd flown in just for the race. The next month Stan and I ran an 8K race in DC, the first race he's ever run, and I was so proud of him for doing that. I later ran two 10-milers and capped off the year with the Marine Corps Marathon, where I absolutely ripped up my old record and set a new standard of performance for myself. Much of my success has been due, I think, to a big improvement in my overall fitness. I've kept up with my gym routines from Singapore and have seen continuing improvement in my body, so much so that I was excited to be photographed for a friend's swimsuit calendar with Linh (and yes, we look hot!). Still not where I want it to be, but definitely getting there.
My health is still good, knock on wood. After 2008's cancer scare I had to have a follow-up colonoscopy this summer, and it came back OK. In Canada I had a sudden kidney stone attack, something that's never happened to me before and it scared me because I didn't know what it was, but after a few hours in the emergency room and some good meds over the next two days, I was fine. A couple of friends and family members have had tragic health problems this year, and those have reinforced my desire to live life as fully as I can now, for you never know when this precious gift can be taken from you.
As I reflect on the year gone by, I don't see much that's new. I had some great times, some great experiences, but mostly they came from the continuation of things I was already doing, or maybe some improvements...nothing really new. I can't think of too many new challenges that I took on, not much new that I studied and learned. That's unusual for me, and I'm not really sure why that happened. Did I just need a rest from change at the end of the decade? Do I have so many great things in my life that I didn't feel the need to add a lot of new stuff? I'm not sure. I guess it's OK, since part of the reason for not doing some new things I expected was the dramatic shift in career plans this year, but if I had to put my finger on what 2009 meant to me, it's kind of elusive. Next year, I have some new things lined up, and some emerging interests I want to explore...we'll see where those go!
When I look back at last year's end of the year post, I realize there are a couple things i said I hoped to do in 2009 that I didn't accomplish. First, I wanted to get back to Hawaii this year, but that didn't happen. I was planning to go in December to run the Honolulu Marathon and then stay for a vacation, but I realized a few things. First, I knew that I needed to save my legs rather than running a race only 7 weeks after the Marine Corps Marathon (a lesson I learned last year). Plus, I should save my money and my vacation days...one reason for not going was because of the big trip to Asia in September and I should be saving up after that for some travel coming early next year. And finally, I wasn't really in the mood to travel alone on this one...Linh had mentioned in July the possibility of going out there with me, but like me he had some big travel later in the year that didn't allow for a Hawaiian vacation in December. So, that one's on hold. I also didn't go to Thailand for massage school or kickboxing camp, mostly because I couldn't fit it into the September trip. But I'm planning to be back there in March and have already registered with the massage school (after seeing kickboxing in Bangkok last January I realized I probably don't need to go to kickboxing camp!). The other thing I wanted to do but don't feel I did was work on strengthening some friendships here, but I think I'll save that discussion for another time.
And yes, I'm looking forward to the future as well...to things I have planned for next year, to things I would like to do in the next year, and to things I still need to do at some point in my life. But I'll cover those next time.
For now, I'll just wish everyone a Happy New Year!!!!!
Labels: Friends, Health, Life, Living in SG, Running, Teaching, Travel
Monday, December 28, 2009
Family
I e-mailed someone over the weekend and when he replied he said "I figured you were with your family for the holidays so I thought I'd wait to write you until you got back." The reality, though, is that I was right here in DC at my home, with my folks 200 miles away at theirs.
Holidays are often time for family, at least that's the tradition, but in my case it's been a time to think about family. Add in a recent funeral and you've got a mix that just screams "think deep thoughts!"
So I did. And I've come to the conclusion my family isn't as important to me as you might like to think.
I was at my parents' home for Thanksgiving last month, for three nights. It was the first time I've been there since April, only the second time since my return from Singapore (though my mom did come up for a few days in July). Just me and my folks. And three nights was all I could do...one more would have been too much.
While there I sent a note to my aunt and uncle who'd moved to Atlanta earlier this year. My uncle had a brain tumor but moved anyway to keep his job, which had moved down south, in order to keep his health insurance (I recently learned that he had the opportunity to stay in Virginia but wanted to go to stay with his friends from work). My aunt replied that if I wanted to see my uncle again I'd better come to Atlanta soon. And I knew right then I probably wouldn't make that trip. As I looked ahead to the month of December I knew getting away for a weekend would be really disruptive to my plans for the month, and so I started looking at just flying down in the morning on a weekday, visiting them for a few hours, then flying back to DC, as soon as work would allow, which would be at least 2 more weeks.
Why didn't I rush right down there? In part, because I can't stand my uncle's wife...she's a nag, she could never hold a job, she's ignorant and racist and a bad mother and she created an extra burden for my uncle for many years because she must weigh over 250 pounds. But I also realized that my uncle and I have drifted apart in the past few years, because he frankly has a lot of those same attributes...I just didn't pay as much attention to them when I was a kid and he was the cool uncle only 9 years older than I. But as an adult, I've found I just can't stand the man he's turned into.
I knew that going down there would be too emotional, and it was something that felt "forced." I realized that, for lack of a better word, my uncle and his wife had become pretty much irrelevant to my life.
10 days later he died. And so I returned to my parents' home for the funeral less than 2 weeks after I'd left, this time joined by my younger brother. I only spent two nights there on this trip, and I knew I wouldn't be returning two weeks later for Christmas. It's not that my parents are bad people, it's just that I am bored silly around them. We have almost nothing in common, and the things we DO have in common are only good for a few rounds of conversation. After that, I just can't stand to be there.
Part of it is being gay, but not being able to talk to them about it (they KNOW, I mean, I lived with Adrian for 5 years, but none of us have ever acknowledged it, and I'm tired of dancing around the issue). Part of it is the fact I've been out on my own for 20 years and have spent most of that time living a thousand or two thousand miles away, and have had my own life while they've had theirs. Part of it is that I've surrounded myself with friends who DO give me the intellectual, emotional, and social stimulation I need, and around them I CAN be myself, so that gives me an alternative to hanging out with my family out in the country. And finally, part of it is the example of my parents themselves. My dad was in the military and we lived all over the country, so just like my parents didn't live near their families and spend lots of time with them, I also have a life that's developed apart from my family.
This will probably leave some of my friends with a sense of disbelief, especially those who live in cultures where it's common to actually live with your parents well into your 20s and even your 30s and maybe even longer. They may think it's sad I don't have more of a bond with my family, but to me it's not sad...it's just normal. And I'm OK with it.
This shouldn't be that big a surprise, I guess. Back in April, when my mom asked about maybe coming up here for a few days, I looked at the calendar and told her there was a weekend in July when she could come but other than that it would probably be October before I could host her again, and even that was iffy. Why? Because my time was taken up with dragon boat, with races, with travel, with birthdays, with holidays...basically, with my friends. It should have been pretty obvious to me who was more important.
It's not that I don't care about my family, and I certainly don't dislike them. It's just that their lives and mine aren't relevant to each other. And while I will make some effort to keep my mom happy (I know she wants a more traditional relationship, which I can't say we've ever really had) there's only so much I'm willing to subvert my life to her wishes. I only get one life, and I'm going to live it as I need to.
So no, I didn't go home for Christmas this year, and I don't see myself doing it much in the future. As one friend put it, "they had you for 22 years...now it's time for the rest of the world to have you."
Holidays are often time for family, at least that's the tradition, but in my case it's been a time to think about family. Add in a recent funeral and you've got a mix that just screams "think deep thoughts!"
So I did. And I've come to the conclusion my family isn't as important to me as you might like to think.
I was at my parents' home for Thanksgiving last month, for three nights. It was the first time I've been there since April, only the second time since my return from Singapore (though my mom did come up for a few days in July). Just me and my folks. And three nights was all I could do...one more would have been too much.
While there I sent a note to my aunt and uncle who'd moved to Atlanta earlier this year. My uncle had a brain tumor but moved anyway to keep his job, which had moved down south, in order to keep his health insurance (I recently learned that he had the opportunity to stay in Virginia but wanted to go to stay with his friends from work). My aunt replied that if I wanted to see my uncle again I'd better come to Atlanta soon. And I knew right then I probably wouldn't make that trip. As I looked ahead to the month of December I knew getting away for a weekend would be really disruptive to my plans for the month, and so I started looking at just flying down in the morning on a weekday, visiting them for a few hours, then flying back to DC, as soon as work would allow, which would be at least 2 more weeks.
Why didn't I rush right down there? In part, because I can't stand my uncle's wife...she's a nag, she could never hold a job, she's ignorant and racist and a bad mother and she created an extra burden for my uncle for many years because she must weigh over 250 pounds. But I also realized that my uncle and I have drifted apart in the past few years, because he frankly has a lot of those same attributes...I just didn't pay as much attention to them when I was a kid and he was the cool uncle only 9 years older than I. But as an adult, I've found I just can't stand the man he's turned into.
I knew that going down there would be too emotional, and it was something that felt "forced." I realized that, for lack of a better word, my uncle and his wife had become pretty much irrelevant to my life.
10 days later he died. And so I returned to my parents' home for the funeral less than 2 weeks after I'd left, this time joined by my younger brother. I only spent two nights there on this trip, and I knew I wouldn't be returning two weeks later for Christmas. It's not that my parents are bad people, it's just that I am bored silly around them. We have almost nothing in common, and the things we DO have in common are only good for a few rounds of conversation. After that, I just can't stand to be there.
Part of it is being gay, but not being able to talk to them about it (they KNOW, I mean, I lived with Adrian for 5 years, but none of us have ever acknowledged it, and I'm tired of dancing around the issue). Part of it is the fact I've been out on my own for 20 years and have spent most of that time living a thousand or two thousand miles away, and have had my own life while they've had theirs. Part of it is that I've surrounded myself with friends who DO give me the intellectual, emotional, and social stimulation I need, and around them I CAN be myself, so that gives me an alternative to hanging out with my family out in the country. And finally, part of it is the example of my parents themselves. My dad was in the military and we lived all over the country, so just like my parents didn't live near their families and spend lots of time with them, I also have a life that's developed apart from my family.
This will probably leave some of my friends with a sense of disbelief, especially those who live in cultures where it's common to actually live with your parents well into your 20s and even your 30s and maybe even longer. They may think it's sad I don't have more of a bond with my family, but to me it's not sad...it's just normal. And I'm OK with it.
This shouldn't be that big a surprise, I guess. Back in April, when my mom asked about maybe coming up here for a few days, I looked at the calendar and told her there was a weekend in July when she could come but other than that it would probably be October before I could host her again, and even that was iffy. Why? Because my time was taken up with dragon boat, with races, with travel, with birthdays, with holidays...basically, with my friends. It should have been pretty obvious to me who was more important.
It's not that I don't care about my family, and I certainly don't dislike them. It's just that their lives and mine aren't relevant to each other. And while I will make some effort to keep my mom happy (I know she wants a more traditional relationship, which I can't say we've ever really had) there's only so much I'm willing to subvert my life to her wishes. I only get one life, and I'm going to live it as I need to.
So no, I didn't go home for Christmas this year, and I don't see myself doing it much in the future. As one friend put it, "they had you for 22 years...now it's time for the rest of the world to have you."
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Remembering Who I Am
A few weeks back I was spending the evening with a close friend and our talk turned to the months since his graduation from his master's degree program and the changes I've seen in him since then. His transition to the real world after 18 years of school has been a pretty good one...despite some uncertainty at work, he has adapted very well and is happy to be doing what he's doing there. He's also adjusted his personal life from one that revolved around papers and exams and school friends to one that allows for a bit more flexibility. Bravo. We went on to talk a bit about how things have changed for him during the two years we've known each other, and it was a nice bit of reflection.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
Labels: Friends, Life, Wandering Mind
