Sunday, December 06, 2009
Remembering Who I Am
A few weeks back I was spending the evening with a close friend and our talk turned to the months since his graduation from his master's degree program and the changes I've seen in him since then. His transition to the real world after 18 years of school has been a pretty good one...despite some uncertainty at work, he has adapted very well and is happy to be doing what he's doing there. He's also adjusted his personal life from one that revolved around papers and exams and school friends to one that allows for a bit more flexibility. Bravo. We went on to talk a bit about how things have changed for him during the two years we've known each other, and it was a nice bit of reflection.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
Labels: Friends, Life, Wandering Mind
