Sunday, December 06, 2009
Remembering Who I Am
A few weeks back I was spending the evening with a close friend and our talk turned to the months since his graduation from his master's degree program and the changes I've seen in him since then. His transition to the real world after 18 years of school has been a pretty good one...despite some uncertainty at work, he has adapted very well and is happy to be doing what he's doing there. He's also adjusted his personal life from one that revolved around papers and exams and school friends to one that allows for a bit more flexibility. Bravo. We went on to talk a bit about how things have changed for him during the two years we've known each other, and it was a nice bit of reflection.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
The conversation took an unexpected turn when he started talking about changes he's seen in me over the last two years. (I say "unexpected" because, while I feel like I follow my friends closely, I often feel like no one's paying close attention to me...I guess I'm wrong, but that feeling still is there sometimes.) Anyway, I thought he said that, during the last few months, I've become more "collaborative" when I'm with friends. I wasn't sure what he meant, then realized he'd said "callibrative" -- that is, I'm "calibrating" things. More to the point, I'm spending a lot more time thinking about my clothes and appearance, far more than I did before, and the effect isn't always a good one. He felt I was trying to change my style to something specific, and it might be something not quite right for me...my body has changed in the last year (in a good way, thank you Cali Fitness), and things that might have once looked good don't anymore. I also have to remember that I'm not 18. And I also should remember that I'm not Asian, so something that looked good on Singaporeans doesn't necessarily look good on me. In other words, I go a bit too far sometimes.
This was good for me to hear because he's absolutely right, and it's something I'd wondered about at times, but no one said anything so I just kept going with it. But the other reason I needed to hear this was something else he said: "When I met you I remember thinking you had a good sense of style that was right for you, that you were well put-together." The reason that's useful for me to hear is because no one had ever told me that before...I've gotten negative feedback from people important to me during the last 10 years or so, but rarely anything positive like that, and so I'm not used to it. I'm more used to being told I'm doing something wrong than I'm doing something right, and so hearing something like that reminded me that maybe I was all right as I was and really didn't need to change too much.
This wasn't just about clothes...my friend also suggested that maybe I've been meeting people who I wouldn't normally have met before, and maybe these aren't the type of people I should be meeting (he was, I think, referring to a certain 21-year old I chatted up at a recent party, but there were probably a couple other good examples too). He was concerned that, with all my experiences early this year and the changes in my life during the last few months, I might be trying to fix things that don't need fixing.
In other words, I was a pretty good guy as I was.
That's not to say there aren't things about me I can improve, Lord knows there are. And it's not to say I shouldn't try new things (the running has certainly paid off, as has the gym work, and all the professional writing I've been doing over the last year has been a great learning experience). But I need to remember that at my core I'm a good guy and there are some things about me that should stay as they are. I should trust myself more.
Yes, I know I get positive feedback, like getting a promotion or getting selected for the exchange program to Singapore, but those decisions were made by people I don't know and don't really care about. And yes, the fact that I've met some incredible people during the last 2 years, and they like me, and our friendships have endured even if we're 10,000 miles apart, is a good sign. But the people important to me usually hadn't said much about the issues of which I was uncertain, and it was nice to hear that maybe I was doing well all along and didn't need to worry so much.
One thing I've noticed is that this particular friend is paying me little compliments every now and then, making me think that he picked up on my uncertainties and is trying to correct them. It's nice to know someone's paying attention. And that they care enough to show it. :-)
So hopefully, when Stan comes to visit in a couple weeks, he'll see the Will he liked, not the 19-year old, New York-style, Singaporean Will who started to emerge this fall. I think he'll like Original Will better.
Though he can still call me Custard Bun if he wants to.
Labels: Friends, Life, Wandering Mind
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sudden Sadness
OK, so, I'm over yesterday's sudden attack of sadness. It hit me when I got back from my haircut. I wondered if maybe it was because I didn't have anything planned with anyone the rest of the day (which is pretty unusual, frankly) and I had a fear of "wasting a day" when I could be spending it with friends. That's silly, of course. I mean, I'm with friends pretty much every evening of the week and had spent 14 hours with some wonderful friends (thank you Jasen, Derek and Luke!!) on Saturday, so any concern about not being with people was ridiculous. (and for the record, I got a call later and ended up going dancing last night until 2am with a friend, so yeah, the universe corrected itself)
But that's not what it was, I realized...
Try as I might not to count, the reality is I have only 17 days left in Singapore. And I just don't feel ready to go home.
Part of it is the cool job I have. I love teaching, and since I'm working for the government back home I know I'm going to miss the classroom once I leave.
Part of it is the sense of freedom I have here. Being away from my regular job, being in a city where I don't know that many people (I mean, relative to the whole population -- I certainly have managed to meet plenty of people) allows me to explore and experience new things, and that's been nice.
A big part of it, of course, is the people I've met here. So many nice folks, and a few really, really good friends have come from this experience. I hate the idea of leaving them behind.
And part of it...well, part of it is that this has been an adventure. It's the sort of thing I've wanted to do for many years, and after I applied for the exchange program I was tense for months while waiting for the results, and then had to spend a few months dealing with the bureaucracy at work (to get my leave of absence of approved) and of course, with some medical issues that came about because of the physical exam I got for this trip. There was a huge buildup to this, and frankly, it's a pretty prestigious exchange program, so it's been a big deal (I haven't mentioned the name of the exchange program because I don't want to show up in Google searches for it -- I learned that lesson with the whole "leopard bestiality" thing, and also with Thai porn -- but the first syllable is the opposite of "empty" and the second syllable is the opposite of "dim" and rhymes with "light").
Anyway, what I have to remember is, adventures come to an end. That's why we call them "adventures" instead of "normal life." I knew all along this was a limited time experience so the approaching departure date is no surprise.
But it does make me sad when i think of it.
Despite the fact that one of my KL friends reminds me consistently that I'm NOT Singaporean, the fact is that I do fit in rather well here, certainly now that I've gotten accustomed to the place and the newness has worn off. A number of my friends here have commented that I seem to be a natural fit for the city, and one even said that I seem more Asian than Western (I get the feeling he was talking about more than just chopstick skills).
You might ask "why not just move there if you like it so much?," and the thought has occurred to me, since I was planning a massive career change later this year anyway. But those plans are on hold right now (and THAT is a story for a much later day, but it's for good reasons, not bad -- a promotion is in the air, it seems).
It's not like I don't have any reason to go back to DC. There are some very special people there, one in particular (and I know you're reading this, Stan!), but at the same time, my return to that city in 2006 has been something of a disappointment (maybe the reason I keep going away for long periods?) and while there are a few really good reasons to be there, there are also lots of good things here I'm going to miss.
You want to know something strange? While I'm over here in Asia and sharing my experiences on this blog, most of the people reading it are here in Asia -- very few folks among my DC friends care enough to read this. This means something.
Being here for 4 months allowed me to get into a comfort zone, one which looks different from what I had back home and which, in some ways, is more exciting. The time spent with friends, the travel, the adapting to different ways of doing things, the teaching, and let's face it, the cute guys all around me...all this makes it tough to leave. It was easier to break away from my DC comfort zone (even though there were a few tears during some goodbyes) because I was starting out on something cool. There's nothing new back home, though, so I feel like I'm leaving something behind.
Perhaps the answer, then, is to liven things up once I get back to DC...
But that's not what it was, I realized...
Try as I might not to count, the reality is I have only 17 days left in Singapore. And I just don't feel ready to go home.
Part of it is the cool job I have. I love teaching, and since I'm working for the government back home I know I'm going to miss the classroom once I leave.
Part of it is the sense of freedom I have here. Being away from my regular job, being in a city where I don't know that many people (I mean, relative to the whole population -- I certainly have managed to meet plenty of people) allows me to explore and experience new things, and that's been nice.
A big part of it, of course, is the people I've met here. So many nice folks, and a few really, really good friends have come from this experience. I hate the idea of leaving them behind.
And part of it...well, part of it is that this has been an adventure. It's the sort of thing I've wanted to do for many years, and after I applied for the exchange program I was tense for months while waiting for the results, and then had to spend a few months dealing with the bureaucracy at work (to get my leave of absence of approved) and of course, with some medical issues that came about because of the physical exam I got for this trip. There was a huge buildup to this, and frankly, it's a pretty prestigious exchange program, so it's been a big deal (I haven't mentioned the name of the exchange program because I don't want to show up in Google searches for it -- I learned that lesson with the whole "leopard bestiality" thing, and also with Thai porn -- but the first syllable is the opposite of "empty" and the second syllable is the opposite of "dim" and rhymes with "light").
Anyway, what I have to remember is, adventures come to an end. That's why we call them "adventures" instead of "normal life." I knew all along this was a limited time experience so the approaching departure date is no surprise.
But it does make me sad when i think of it.
Despite the fact that one of my KL friends reminds me consistently that I'm NOT Singaporean, the fact is that I do fit in rather well here, certainly now that I've gotten accustomed to the place and the newness has worn off. A number of my friends here have commented that I seem to be a natural fit for the city, and one even said that I seem more Asian than Western (I get the feeling he was talking about more than just chopstick skills).
You might ask "why not just move there if you like it so much?," and the thought has occurred to me, since I was planning a massive career change later this year anyway. But those plans are on hold right now (and THAT is a story for a much later day, but it's for good reasons, not bad -- a promotion is in the air, it seems).
It's not like I don't have any reason to go back to DC. There are some very special people there, one in particular (and I know you're reading this, Stan!), but at the same time, my return to that city in 2006 has been something of a disappointment (maybe the reason I keep going away for long periods?) and while there are a few really good reasons to be there, there are also lots of good things here I'm going to miss.
You want to know something strange? While I'm over here in Asia and sharing my experiences on this blog, most of the people reading it are here in Asia -- very few folks among my DC friends care enough to read this. This means something.
Being here for 4 months allowed me to get into a comfort zone, one which looks different from what I had back home and which, in some ways, is more exciting. The time spent with friends, the travel, the adapting to different ways of doing things, the teaching, and let's face it, the cute guys all around me...all this makes it tough to leave. It was easier to break away from my DC comfort zone (even though there were a few tears during some goodbyes) because I was starting out on something cool. There's nothing new back home, though, so I feel like I'm leaving something behind.
Perhaps the answer, then, is to liven things up once I get back to DC...
Labels: Friends, Life, Living in SG, Thai Porn, Wandering Mind
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Uh Oh
I'm feeling very, very, very sad today, and I don't know why. Weird, because I like my haircut, so I know it's not that.
Labels: Wandering Mind
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inauguration
I've always been proud of my country...even when it does the wrong thing, it always seems to try to correct it.
Today, though, I'm really, really proud.
Today, though, I'm really, really proud.
Labels: Wandering Mind
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Roller Coaster
I know I seem to be getting back to the "one post a week" thing and that's not my intent. Life is just happening.
Emotions have been up and down the last 10 days or so. And I hate that. Let me be happy and enjoy it or depressed and get over it, but not this "both ways" crap.
I got some great news a couple weeks ago. I haven't shared it online yet because some people need to be told in person. Bear with me...
This week has been rough because a friend has been going through a very tough time. I won't get into the details of someone else's business, but I do want to be here for him. I'm also feeling bad for one of my overseas friends who's going through a rough time.
The weather hasn't helped. In some circumstances a torrential downpour can be fun, but this is not one of those times. Two days of rain earlier this week, and now it's raining heavy again. Boo!
The rain has screwed up the dragon boat race this weekend. The river is not safe so they have to reschedule. And odds are, they're going to reschedule for a weekend while I'm in Asia next month. I've been looking forward to this for a year and now I'm afraid it'll be taken away.
The rain has also kept me from getting out of the gym and back to running on the road.
Somehow, I'm sure this is Bush's fault.
There's been good stuff, though, like going out last night with my friend Kim and discovering a really good Chinese restaurant (I had shrimp cakes and broccoli and some kind of seafood noodles...my friend is from Malaysia and has a Penang sense of taste in restaurants). then we went to a place that serves chocolate chip bread pudding for dessert and I discovered I LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIP BREAD PUDDING!
Tonight I had dinner with another friend and had gway tio and good conversation, so yay that.
And I'm excited by the fact that 4 weeks from RIGHT NOW I'll be in Bangkok.
Somehow, I think Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanomo Bay is somewhat responsible for my roller coaster of emotions this week,
And I don't even like roller coasters!!
Emotions have been up and down the last 10 days or so. And I hate that. Let me be happy and enjoy it or depressed and get over it, but not this "both ways" crap.
I got some great news a couple weeks ago. I haven't shared it online yet because some people need to be told in person. Bear with me...
This week has been rough because a friend has been going through a very tough time. I won't get into the details of someone else's business, but I do want to be here for him. I'm also feeling bad for one of my overseas friends who's going through a rough time.
The weather hasn't helped. In some circumstances a torrential downpour can be fun, but this is not one of those times. Two days of rain earlier this week, and now it's raining heavy again. Boo!
The rain has screwed up the dragon boat race this weekend. The river is not safe so they have to reschedule. And odds are, they're going to reschedule for a weekend while I'm in Asia next month. I've been looking forward to this for a year and now I'm afraid it'll be taken away.
The rain has also kept me from getting out of the gym and back to running on the road.
Somehow, I'm sure this is Bush's fault.
There's been good stuff, though, like going out last night with my friend Kim and discovering a really good Chinese restaurant (I had shrimp cakes and broccoli and some kind of seafood noodles...my friend is from Malaysia and has a Penang sense of taste in restaurants). then we went to a place that serves chocolate chip bread pudding for dessert and I discovered I LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIP BREAD PUDDING!
Tonight I had dinner with another friend and had gway tio and good conversation, so yay that.
And I'm excited by the fact that 4 weeks from RIGHT NOW I'll be in Bangkok.
Somehow, I think Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanomo Bay is somewhat responsible for my roller coaster of emotions this week,
And I don't even like roller coasters!!
Labels: Friends, Life, Running, Travel, Wandering Mind
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
That New Car Smell
I am now completely, totally, utterly the owner of a paid-off Honda Element. All I need to do is put the license plates on and then I can start driving the vehicle I've been driving for the past 6 months, with one new thing:
Now I get to name it.
I'm pretty sure he's a boy car because I can see his exhaust pipe.
Oh, and speaking of names, does anyone else think "Saturn is Dead" would be a great name for a band, or is it just me?
Now I get to name it.
I'm pretty sure he's a boy car because I can see his exhaust pipe.
Oh, and speaking of names, does anyone else think "Saturn is Dead" would be a great name for a band, or is it just me?
Labels: Stuff, Wandering Mind
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I Wonder Sometimes...
...if maybe, just maybe, I'm a chipmunk trapped in a man's body.
Hey, it could happen.
Hey, it could happen.
Labels: Wandering Mind
Monday, December 31, 2007
It's That Day
As with all years past I'll take today to kind of wrap up there last 365 days. It's been a wild ride of a year...things I expected got shifted around, things I totally didn't expect popped up, and all in all one of the best things I can say about the year is that no one shot directly at me. Though the year isn't over for about another 8 hours, so we'll see.
There are some things I mentioned last December that I was going to do that, unfortunately, didn't get done. I was planning to upload all my journal archives from before the big Diary-X crash, but the external hard drive where they're stored has crapped out on me and I can't get them off of it. I need to buy another drive and have someone go in and get the data off the bad one to transfer to the new one, but so far I've been lazy and haven't done that. Another thing I'd hoped to do was work on my dissertation, finally turning it into a book I can publish. I think there are some good ideas in there (and someone must agree...my dissertation spends a lot of time checked out of the two libraries where it resides) and I need to get it out into a more mainstream forum before time passes me by. I got going on it in earnest toward the end of the year at work but then some other things came up that took precedence. However, I've got a schedule for finishing it and I guess I can just bump the schedule a couple months and get back on it, and then I'll be fine.
Some totally unexpected things came up this year and I guess I should expect the same in 2008. The biggest was that I went to Afghanistan for 2 months, in June and July, to train the faculty at a military school. This was my second war (though, unlike Iraq where I got shot at every day, this time I only heard gunfire but never had it directed at me) and I think I'm done with the whole "war" thing. Of course, I thought that after Iraq, too. My time there was interesting and I felt I did some good, so even though there were some hardships there, at least it was rewarding. I have to say, though, that it hardened my resolve to get far away from the government when I leave my job in 2009.
My job has been a big let down in some ways this year, though I have tried to find an upside. I realized by the end of last year that I wouldn't be doing the work I signed on to do. Since then I've found I don't have much to do at all...we are overstaffed in my office, and my boss has no concept of "leadership" so I haven't really been given a clearly defined job to do. I've been taking on tasks as they come in, which is not really my strength (I'm best at the "long range" stuff) so I've been bored. That, in fact, is a big reason I volunteered for Afghanistan. I talked over the problem with my bosses when I left, but in the 5 months since I returned, nothing much has changed. Rather than complaining to them about it, I looked around for a position in another agency, but finally decided instead to take advantage of the free time I have at work to work on projects for other organizations and also start doing some serious planning for my post-government future. I also managed to publish a chapter in a book about the war in Iraq, so that's cool.
That planning, which I talked about at the end of last year, has moved forward. 2007 was my year to figure out what I want to do next, 2008 is my year to get things in place for the transition, and 2009 is the year it all comes together. So far this year I've developed a number of job plans and looked at the costs and benefits of all of them, trying to come up with the best option. I have a pretty good business plan laid out for my own consulting firm, and I'm also looking into teaching possibilities in the DC area. I still have some things to learn about, like marketing and such, but overall I have a decent idea and I want to start making it happen next year, testing the waters a bit. My goals are to have interesting work taking advantage of skills and knowledge I have, a flexible schedule, travel, and good money. While I'm wishing, I'd also like a pony. But hey, if you don't try, you can never succeed.
The one advantage of work this year has been the opportunity for travel. I've been to Hawaii twice, once for work and once for a combination of work and vacation. I've visited San Francisco twice, as well as Dallas and Tampa, and a trip to Atlanta which was very short and pretty boring. I also made it to Chicago, where I gave a paper but also got out of the hotel, which I don't often do on business trips to that city. Adrian and I also took a non-work trip to Puerto Rico for a long weekend last spring, and we met friends in New York back in February, while I also had a solo trip there in October. The big trip for me, of course, was to Asia in September, partially funded by work but also using the 10 vacation days I still had to use by the first of October. That. Was. Amazing. I got a day in Bangkok, though Bom had to go out of town and I wasn't able to see him. It was my first visit to Vietnam, and I got to spend a few days in Hanoi. Then I was off to Kuala Lumpur for 5 days, which was so much fun I still smile when I think of it. Afterwards I had 3 days in Hong Kong, which was a great time, then I headed back home and went to work the following day. Needless to say, I was a tired pup for a week. A planned trip to the Philippines for work got called off, though I hope to go in the coming year. I also am planning to get back to Singapore and Malaysia this year -- I got a research grant for a policy study and need to do some interviews in both countries. I'll probably add some Bangkok and Hong Kong time to that trip. And there are some other professional possibilities that might take me back to the region next year, though if that doesn't work out, I'll probably take a vacation over there.
As always, the best part of traveling is seeing old friends and meeting new ones. January's trip to Dallas led me to meet Ken from Bangkok who's now in Miami...a completely random meetup in a club, neither of us realizing the other was in town, and never having met before...how weird is that? In March I met Paulo while dancing in San Francisco, and in November we got to meet up again and go to dinner and get to know each other more than a dance floor with loud music allows. My time in Afghanistan allowed me to meet some professional colleagues who are pretty cool, so that was nice. After returning I saw I'd gotten e-mails from a couple folks on Fridae and after chatting with them I later got to meet them, so yay for meeting Eddie in Malaysia (who has tuned into a very special friend, someone who has captured his own place in my heart) and later Tony in Hong Kong. Also in HK I got to meet Eric, whom I've known over a year online but hadn't met yet. Of course, the big group meetup was in Kuala Lumpur, where I got to meet David, Frankie, Sam, Daniel, Paul, Alex, Jason, Jason Jr, Janvier, Cheryl, Thaddes, and Adrien. And of course, there was William...if you ask me why two people form a a strong emotional connection, I couldn't say, but if you ask me if it exists, I'd say YES! Can't explain it but I feel a special bond to William, and I think it's more than just the name thing. heh heh And no, it's not a physical thing, so the skanks among you can quit worrying about that. The last trip of the year, to Honolulu, led me to meet Kester, who is also friends with a couple people I know in Singapore...small world! And of course, October's trip to NYC led me to meet Paul, a very special guy who e-mailed me pretty much every day I was in Afghanistan, which helped...another "Fridae friend" who has tuned into a very cool real world friend. I also had the pleasure of meeting Joel on that trip, who is as funny and insightful in real life as he is on his blog that I've read for over a year.
This was also a year for new friends right here at home. Danny and I have finally gotten to know each other after a brief meeting in 2006. I met Vu and Troy and have gravitated into their circle of friends. Dan from Baltimore is another great guy I've gotten to know. And of course, Linh and I met late in the year and already I feel a strong friendship growing. I'm a lucky man.
Some of my existing friendships grew stronger this year. Ethan and I have gotten closer...the fact that we now work 2 blocks from each other makes it easier to get together during the week, and that's very cool. I got to meet up with Fritz a few times this year, both here and in Hawaii. Justin and I have gotten to know each other better as well. I didn't get to see Allan in Singapore this year, which is a real shame 'cuz I miss him, but I'll see him in the new year. Same with Bom. A few of my friends have had a rough time of it...one suffered a loss midway through the year, other friends have had serious problems in their relationships...but I think everyone is strong enough to bounce back from these and move forward.
It's been important to me to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. Friends have always been the most important thing to me, and I've lost a part of that. It's time to reclaim them, reclaim that fun, and I'm glad I am. I think finally getting active on Facebook has helped. heh heh
As for me? I'm doing well, I think. I got serious about taking care of myself earlier in the year and managed to lose 20 pounds while adding muscle...much of that came from being in Afghanistan, with body armor all the time and nothing to do but work out after finishing my job, and of course I don't recommend that for everyone. I'm pleased I've been able to stay in good shape, though I have faltered during the holidays and will get back into my routine this week. After a few years of some serious body issues I'm actually happy with how I look now and am determined to maintain it for both health and looks. I'm also registered to run in two races next spring. In the last year I've explored some new interests, done a bit of new reading, and made goals for myself that I've later achieved, so that's all good. I may not be thrilled about everything in my life...and I may be a very different person from my normal self...but I think I'm in a good place right now.
The reason I'm a different person, and the reason I'm not totally content with where I am in life, is simple: Adrian and I. At the end of last year he said he wanted to work on things and try to get back together, but it's been a roller-coaster year as far as that goes. I've been up a few times but down most of the time, and that's why I tell many of my new friends "I wish you'd met me before all this because I'm really a much better person than I seem right now." The situation has been so confusing, and so complicated...I think most friends have given up trying to understand it, which is OK since I don't understand it myself. After 16 months of being depressed about it one thing is clear: it needs to get resolved, and soon, so my life can move forward again.
But we have still had some fun...a couple parties at the condo, the trips to Puerto Rico and Hawaii. When I look at the balance sheet for the year, I have to say it comes out with a profit rather than a loss. And I have next year to look forward to: getting ready for my post-government career, maybe doing some teaching, possible finishing writing one book and starting another (need to get to work on those). I also intend to meet some online friends: DanielHenry in KL, Harper and Luke Elijah in Singapore, Huy in Australia, and of course, Azhan in Malaysia (I'll try to sneak you-know-who into my suitcase for you!). I also plan to finally meet derek in Singapore...so strange that I've met his friends and his boyfriend but haven't actually met him yet. I expect to spend some more time in New York, hanging out with Scooter and getting to know Paul better. I'm hoping to see Kester again in Honolulu, and visit some new places: Taiwan, maybe, or Vancouver. I'm scheduled to go to Portland for work, and San Francisco too...that should be fun. I have tickets to see My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center (thank you Adrian!) and the Spice Girls with Linh. I want to see my KL brothers again. I need to spend some time with Eddie in Malaysia and get Allan to slow down long enough for a hug or two or twelve. I hope to see Bom again and will visit Thailand simply for that reason. I would like my friendships here to grow stronger...I want people to know I'm not always such a mess, I'm actually someone they can count on. The bottom line is, I want to be happier, and I want to make everyone around me happier.
But isn't that what all of us want?
Happy New Year, everybody.
There are some things I mentioned last December that I was going to do that, unfortunately, didn't get done. I was planning to upload all my journal archives from before the big Diary-X crash, but the external hard drive where they're stored has crapped out on me and I can't get them off of it. I need to buy another drive and have someone go in and get the data off the bad one to transfer to the new one, but so far I've been lazy and haven't done that. Another thing I'd hoped to do was work on my dissertation, finally turning it into a book I can publish. I think there are some good ideas in there (and someone must agree...my dissertation spends a lot of time checked out of the two libraries where it resides) and I need to get it out into a more mainstream forum before time passes me by. I got going on it in earnest toward the end of the year at work but then some other things came up that took precedence. However, I've got a schedule for finishing it and I guess I can just bump the schedule a couple months and get back on it, and then I'll be fine.
Some totally unexpected things came up this year and I guess I should expect the same in 2008. The biggest was that I went to Afghanistan for 2 months, in June and July, to train the faculty at a military school. This was my second war (though, unlike Iraq where I got shot at every day, this time I only heard gunfire but never had it directed at me) and I think I'm done with the whole "war" thing. Of course, I thought that after Iraq, too. My time there was interesting and I felt I did some good, so even though there were some hardships there, at least it was rewarding. I have to say, though, that it hardened my resolve to get far away from the government when I leave my job in 2009.
My job has been a big let down in some ways this year, though I have tried to find an upside. I realized by the end of last year that I wouldn't be doing the work I signed on to do. Since then I've found I don't have much to do at all...we are overstaffed in my office, and my boss has no concept of "leadership" so I haven't really been given a clearly defined job to do. I've been taking on tasks as they come in, which is not really my strength (I'm best at the "long range" stuff) so I've been bored. That, in fact, is a big reason I volunteered for Afghanistan. I talked over the problem with my bosses when I left, but in the 5 months since I returned, nothing much has changed. Rather than complaining to them about it, I looked around for a position in another agency, but finally decided instead to take advantage of the free time I have at work to work on projects for other organizations and also start doing some serious planning for my post-government future. I also managed to publish a chapter in a book about the war in Iraq, so that's cool.
That planning, which I talked about at the end of last year, has moved forward. 2007 was my year to figure out what I want to do next, 2008 is my year to get things in place for the transition, and 2009 is the year it all comes together. So far this year I've developed a number of job plans and looked at the costs and benefits of all of them, trying to come up with the best option. I have a pretty good business plan laid out for my own consulting firm, and I'm also looking into teaching possibilities in the DC area. I still have some things to learn about, like marketing and such, but overall I have a decent idea and I want to start making it happen next year, testing the waters a bit. My goals are to have interesting work taking advantage of skills and knowledge I have, a flexible schedule, travel, and good money. While I'm wishing, I'd also like a pony. But hey, if you don't try, you can never succeed.
The one advantage of work this year has been the opportunity for travel. I've been to Hawaii twice, once for work and once for a combination of work and vacation. I've visited San Francisco twice, as well as Dallas and Tampa, and a trip to Atlanta which was very short and pretty boring. I also made it to Chicago, where I gave a paper but also got out of the hotel, which I don't often do on business trips to that city. Adrian and I also took a non-work trip to Puerto Rico for a long weekend last spring, and we met friends in New York back in February, while I also had a solo trip there in October. The big trip for me, of course, was to Asia in September, partially funded by work but also using the 10 vacation days I still had to use by the first of October. That. Was. Amazing. I got a day in Bangkok, though Bom had to go out of town and I wasn't able to see him. It was my first visit to Vietnam, and I got to spend a few days in Hanoi. Then I was off to Kuala Lumpur for 5 days, which was so much fun I still smile when I think of it. Afterwards I had 3 days in Hong Kong, which was a great time, then I headed back home and went to work the following day. Needless to say, I was a tired pup for a week. A planned trip to the Philippines for work got called off, though I hope to go in the coming year. I also am planning to get back to Singapore and Malaysia this year -- I got a research grant for a policy study and need to do some interviews in both countries. I'll probably add some Bangkok and Hong Kong time to that trip. And there are some other professional possibilities that might take me back to the region next year, though if that doesn't work out, I'll probably take a vacation over there.
As always, the best part of traveling is seeing old friends and meeting new ones. January's trip to Dallas led me to meet Ken from Bangkok who's now in Miami...a completely random meetup in a club, neither of us realizing the other was in town, and never having met before...how weird is that? In March I met Paulo while dancing in San Francisco, and in November we got to meet up again and go to dinner and get to know each other more than a dance floor with loud music allows. My time in Afghanistan allowed me to meet some professional colleagues who are pretty cool, so that was nice. After returning I saw I'd gotten e-mails from a couple folks on Fridae and after chatting with them I later got to meet them, so yay for meeting Eddie in Malaysia (who has tuned into a very special friend, someone who has captured his own place in my heart) and later Tony in Hong Kong. Also in HK I got to meet Eric, whom I've known over a year online but hadn't met yet. Of course, the big group meetup was in Kuala Lumpur, where I got to meet David, Frankie, Sam, Daniel, Paul, Alex, Jason, Jason Jr, Janvier, Cheryl, Thaddes, and Adrien. And of course, there was William...if you ask me why two people form a a strong emotional connection, I couldn't say, but if you ask me if it exists, I'd say YES! Can't explain it but I feel a special bond to William, and I think it's more than just the name thing. heh heh And no, it's not a physical thing, so the skanks among you can quit worrying about that. The last trip of the year, to Honolulu, led me to meet Kester, who is also friends with a couple people I know in Singapore...small world! And of course, October's trip to NYC led me to meet Paul, a very special guy who e-mailed me pretty much every day I was in Afghanistan, which helped...another "Fridae friend" who has tuned into a very cool real world friend. I also had the pleasure of meeting Joel on that trip, who is as funny and insightful in real life as he is on his blog that I've read for over a year.
This was also a year for new friends right here at home. Danny and I have finally gotten to know each other after a brief meeting in 2006. I met Vu and Troy and have gravitated into their circle of friends. Dan from Baltimore is another great guy I've gotten to know. And of course, Linh and I met late in the year and already I feel a strong friendship growing. I'm a lucky man.
Some of my existing friendships grew stronger this year. Ethan and I have gotten closer...the fact that we now work 2 blocks from each other makes it easier to get together during the week, and that's very cool. I got to meet up with Fritz a few times this year, both here and in Hawaii. Justin and I have gotten to know each other better as well. I didn't get to see Allan in Singapore this year, which is a real shame 'cuz I miss him, but I'll see him in the new year. Same with Bom. A few of my friends have had a rough time of it...one suffered a loss midway through the year, other friends have had serious problems in their relationships...but I think everyone is strong enough to bounce back from these and move forward.
It's been important to me to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. Friends have always been the most important thing to me, and I've lost a part of that. It's time to reclaim them, reclaim that fun, and I'm glad I am. I think finally getting active on Facebook has helped. heh heh
As for me? I'm doing well, I think. I got serious about taking care of myself earlier in the year and managed to lose 20 pounds while adding muscle...much of that came from being in Afghanistan, with body armor all the time and nothing to do but work out after finishing my job, and of course I don't recommend that for everyone. I'm pleased I've been able to stay in good shape, though I have faltered during the holidays and will get back into my routine this week. After a few years of some serious body issues I'm actually happy with how I look now and am determined to maintain it for both health and looks. I'm also registered to run in two races next spring. In the last year I've explored some new interests, done a bit of new reading, and made goals for myself that I've later achieved, so that's all good. I may not be thrilled about everything in my life...and I may be a very different person from my normal self...but I think I'm in a good place right now.
The reason I'm a different person, and the reason I'm not totally content with where I am in life, is simple: Adrian and I. At the end of last year he said he wanted to work on things and try to get back together, but it's been a roller-coaster year as far as that goes. I've been up a few times but down most of the time, and that's why I tell many of my new friends "I wish you'd met me before all this because I'm really a much better person than I seem right now." The situation has been so confusing, and so complicated...I think most friends have given up trying to understand it, which is OK since I don't understand it myself. After 16 months of being depressed about it one thing is clear: it needs to get resolved, and soon, so my life can move forward again.
But we have still had some fun...a couple parties at the condo, the trips to Puerto Rico and Hawaii. When I look at the balance sheet for the year, I have to say it comes out with a profit rather than a loss. And I have next year to look forward to: getting ready for my post-government career, maybe doing some teaching, possible finishing writing one book and starting another (need to get to work on those). I also intend to meet some online friends: DanielHenry in KL, Harper and Luke Elijah in Singapore, Huy in Australia, and of course, Azhan in Malaysia (I'll try to sneak you-know-who into my suitcase for you!). I also plan to finally meet derek in Singapore...so strange that I've met his friends and his boyfriend but haven't actually met him yet. I expect to spend some more time in New York, hanging out with Scooter and getting to know Paul better. I'm hoping to see Kester again in Honolulu, and visit some new places: Taiwan, maybe, or Vancouver. I'm scheduled to go to Portland for work, and San Francisco too...that should be fun. I have tickets to see My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center (thank you Adrian!) and the Spice Girls with Linh. I want to see my KL brothers again. I need to spend some time with Eddie in Malaysia and get Allan to slow down long enough for a hug or two or twelve. I hope to see Bom again and will visit Thailand simply for that reason. I would like my friendships here to grow stronger...I want people to know I'm not always such a mess, I'm actually someone they can count on. The bottom line is, I want to be happier, and I want to make everyone around me happier.
But isn't that what all of us want?
Happy New Year, everybody.
Labels: Friends, Life, Questions, Relationships, Teaching, Travel, Wandering Mind, Work
Friday, December 07, 2007
A Few Random Thoughts
Yes, it's Friday night, and I'm home blogging.
We had our first snow this week. It was a small one. I like snow. Specifically, I like so that is so heavy, my office is closed and I can stay home.
I need a haircut.
There are more people in my condo's gym now. Two reasons for that, I think. First, there are the people who would walk or run outside, but now that the snow's here they've moved inside. Then there is the post-Thanksgiving crowd, the "oh no, I put on so much weight, I'm really going to start working out now!" people. They will fade out by Christmas, but then we will get the New Year's Resolution people for a couple weeks in January.
A lot of these people are carrying on conversations while walking on the treadmill or talking on the cell phones, or whatever. I don't really care if people want a hard workout or not, that's their business, but when I get into the gym and can't get on a treadmill or elliptical machine because of these people, then I get annoyed.
Danny is on vacation in Hong Kong now. Lucky bastard.
Linh has final exams now. I do not miss taking those at all. Nor do I miss grading those things.
I have been Christmas shopping and it feels good!
Tonight I made cookies. New recipe. We'll see how that works out.
The mall shooting in Omaha, Nebraska hit home for me this eek. That, of course, is where I went to high school, and I know that mall very well. The shooter is from Bellevue the town where I lived, though he went to a different high school. It's weird to see familiar places all over the news again in a tragedy. (I was also pretty familiar with Virginia Tech, the site of our worst shooting ever last spring)
I think it's time for the Christmas tree to go up.
My office Christmas party was today. It was a bowling party. Somehow, that doesn't quite say "Christmas" to me. I skipped it and stayed at the office catching up on work.
Kester in Honolulu is taking a choral class and is performing a couple concerts at a local mall. THAT says Christmas!
Kester, by the way, knows someone else I know from Singapore besides knowing Allan. Again, I am amazed by how tiny this world is sometimes. Facebook helps keep everything straight...even the gays.
My Gaylasian friends have discovered Facebook. I love that. I love them. I miss them.
San Francisco was a lot of fun. I like that city. Though Honolulu was warmer.
I find I'm getting out and doing more on the weeknights, and that is a good thing.
Richmond Michael will move away in a week and that makes me sad.
Eddie in Malaysia just started a new term at his university this week.
There are things in the air, amazing possibilities that are just a short reach away...we'll see what comes of them.
I'm glad I made it to the gym 4 times this week as planned, but the numbers on the scale haven't changed in a week. Not that they could change very much, of course.
We had our first snow this week. It was a small one. I like snow. Specifically, I like so that is so heavy, my office is closed and I can stay home.
I need a haircut.
There are more people in my condo's gym now. Two reasons for that, I think. First, there are the people who would walk or run outside, but now that the snow's here they've moved inside. Then there is the post-Thanksgiving crowd, the "oh no, I put on so much weight, I'm really going to start working out now!" people. They will fade out by Christmas, but then we will get the New Year's Resolution people for a couple weeks in January.
A lot of these people are carrying on conversations while walking on the treadmill or talking on the cell phones, or whatever. I don't really care if people want a hard workout or not, that's their business, but when I get into the gym and can't get on a treadmill or elliptical machine because of these people, then I get annoyed.
Danny is on vacation in Hong Kong now. Lucky bastard.
Linh has final exams now. I do not miss taking those at all. Nor do I miss grading those things.
I have been Christmas shopping and it feels good!
Tonight I made cookies. New recipe. We'll see how that works out.
The mall shooting in Omaha, Nebraska hit home for me this eek. That, of course, is where I went to high school, and I know that mall very well. The shooter is from Bellevue the town where I lived, though he went to a different high school. It's weird to see familiar places all over the news again in a tragedy. (I was also pretty familiar with Virginia Tech, the site of our worst shooting ever last spring)
I think it's time for the Christmas tree to go up.
My office Christmas party was today. It was a bowling party. Somehow, that doesn't quite say "Christmas" to me. I skipped it and stayed at the office catching up on work.
Kester in Honolulu is taking a choral class and is performing a couple concerts at a local mall. THAT says Christmas!
Kester, by the way, knows someone else I know from Singapore besides knowing Allan. Again, I am amazed by how tiny this world is sometimes. Facebook helps keep everything straight...even the gays.
My Gaylasian friends have discovered Facebook. I love that. I love them. I miss them.
San Francisco was a lot of fun. I like that city. Though Honolulu was warmer.
I find I'm getting out and doing more on the weeknights, and that is a good thing.
Richmond Michael will move away in a week and that makes me sad.
Eddie in Malaysia just started a new term at his university this week.
There are things in the air, amazing possibilities that are just a short reach away...we'll see what comes of them.
I'm glad I made it to the gym 4 times this week as planned, but the numbers on the scale haven't changed in a week. Not that they could change very much, of course.
Labels: Blogging, Friends, Stuff, Travel, Wandering Mind
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Now THAT'S a Party
What does the grocery store clerk think when I come through the line with 8 bottles of white wine, 4 bottles of red wine, and a bag of frozen tater tots? Oh, and a 2-liter bottle of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi?
Tonight I made a pumpkin cheesecake and some cookies for the pre-Thanksgiving get-togetether at Dan's Delaware beach house this weekend. Driving up there Friday after work, should be fun. No beach, it's COLD this weekend. But there's a hot tub, and 13 gay men.
Because of baking tonight I didn't run, so I need to get up early tomorrow and go to the gym. I give that about a 50% chance of happening.
Oh, and QR and Ikanbillis...yes, Ethan will be there this weekend. I'll take photos for you.
Tonight I made a pumpkin cheesecake and some cookies for the pre-Thanksgiving get-togetether at Dan's Delaware beach house this weekend. Driving up there Friday after work, should be fun. No beach, it's COLD this weekend. But there's a hot tub, and 13 gay men.
Because of baking tonight I didn't run, so I need to get up early tomorrow and go to the gym. I give that about a 50% chance of happening.
Oh, and QR and Ikanbillis...yes, Ethan will be there this weekend. I'll take photos for you.
Labels: Life, Wandering Mind
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Another Calendar Party Video
I think I like this version better.
Nothing much today. It rained, I went to work, it rained some more, I didn't strangle my boss, I came home. I had the opportunity to get moved to the section that deals with China but my boss squashed that because he is a piece of crap.
Went to the gym tonight to run the treadmill and realized the treadmill allows me to play mind games with myself. Specifically, I get bored running on it, and there's no penalty if I quit early (unlike running on a trail, where if I quit, I still have to walk back) so I syopped after 3 1/2 miles instead of the 5 miles I planned on. I'm a little disappointed in myself. But I'm sure I'll get over it.
Last night I set my alarm clock for 6:15. Unfortunately, I set it for 6:15pm, not 6:15am. So I got to work a little late. But it was still there, waiting for me, when I arrived.
Nothing much today. It rained, I went to work, it rained some more, I didn't strangle my boss, I came home. I had the opportunity to get moved to the section that deals with China but my boss squashed that because he is a piece of crap.
Went to the gym tonight to run the treadmill and realized the treadmill allows me to play mind games with myself. Specifically, I get bored running on it, and there's no penalty if I quit early (unlike running on a trail, where if I quit, I still have to walk back) so I syopped after 3 1/2 miles instead of the 5 miles I planned on. I'm a little disappointed in myself. But I'm sure I'll get over it.
Last night I set my alarm clock for 6:15. Unfortunately, I set it for 6:15pm, not 6:15am. So I got to work a little late. But it was still there, waiting for me, when I arrived.
Labels: Friends, Wandering Mind, Work
Monday, November 05, 2007
Doctor, Heal Thyself
On the phone with a friend tonight, I ended up giving him some advice after events this weekend made him sad. My advice basically consisted of, "if you're unhappy, look at what you might be doing yourself that makes you unhappy and consider changing it." My friend has put some limitations on himself that leave him unfulfilled. While he gets some satisfaction from living up to them, he might get more satisfaction if he didn't, just so long as he doesn't hurt anyone.
Anyway, as I'm telling him he should focus on his happiness, we only get one life (even if there's an afterlife, I bet we start all over again, and next time we might not be fabulously gay), rather than letting life pass him by he should enjoy it and open up all kinds of new possibiilties in the process...yeah, as I'm telling him this, a tiny, quiet whisper of a voice somewhere in the back of my head is saying "HEY, YOU IDIOT!!! WHY DON'T YOU TRY TAKING THAT ADVICE YOURSELF SOMETIME INSTEAD OF LETTING YOURSELF BE TOTALLY UNHAPPY FOR A YEAR OR SO!?!?!?" WHY DON'T YOU FIX WHATEVER'S MAKING YOU UNHAPPY?!?!?!?!"
Yeah, my inner voice has a bit of a 'tude.
Anyway, point taken.
Anyway, as I'm telling him he should focus on his happiness, we only get one life (even if there's an afterlife, I bet we start all over again, and next time we might not be fabulously gay), rather than letting life pass him by he should enjoy it and open up all kinds of new possibiilties in the process...yeah, as I'm telling him this, a tiny, quiet whisper of a voice somewhere in the back of my head is saying "HEY, YOU IDIOT!!! WHY DON'T YOU TRY TAKING THAT ADVICE YOURSELF SOMETIME INSTEAD OF LETTING YOURSELF BE TOTALLY UNHAPPY FOR A YEAR OR SO!?!?!?" WHY DON'T YOU FIX WHATEVER'S MAKING YOU UNHAPPY?!?!?!?!"
Yeah, my inner voice has a bit of a 'tude.
Anyway, point taken.
Labels: Life, Wandering Mind
Monday, October 15, 2007
Randomosity
My overseas friends seem to add a lot of local language into their blogs. Some guys write with Chinese characters, some go with their native Korean, others spell things out with English letters...interesting, but confusing for this poor boy who has enough trouble with his native tongue. So I will just say wo de yin jing hen da
By the way, while I'm in the Google results for "Thai porn" as predicted, I'm unfortunately nowhere near the top. However, I seem to turn up when someone searches for "Japanese lady porn."
I satisfied Sam's meme (but not sure if I satisfied Sam) so next comes Queer Ranter's. But that has to wait until later.
Tuesday after work I head off to my parents' house for a couple days. their internet access is pretty bad and they have no mobile phone coverage, so i will likely be out of touch until Thursday night. Don't be alarmed.
By the way, while I'm in the Google results for "Thai porn" as predicted, I'm unfortunately nowhere near the top. However, I seem to turn up when someone searches for "Japanese lady porn."
I satisfied Sam's meme (but not sure if I satisfied Sam) so next comes Queer Ranter's. But that has to wait until later.
Tuesday after work I head off to my parents' house for a couple days. their internet access is pretty bad and they have no mobile phone coverage, so i will likely be out of touch until Thursday night. Don't be alarmed.
Labels: Wandering Mind
Thursday, October 11, 2007
NCOD
October 11th is National Coming Out Day. However, I neglected to come out to anyone today, so this will just have to do:
I'm gay.
There. Instead of coming out to only one person, I've come out to the 12.7 people who read this blog. And that's cool. Even though a couple of you may have already known that.
To be honest, I'm still kinda in the (non-gay-related) closet about one or two things, mostly having to do with work and such. People who know me in person generally know the details...those of you who want to know, well, come and meet me (this means you, Aryudata).
OK, OK, I will reveal ONE more thing about me: I live on the top floor of an 18-story building with no other buildings immediately next door, which means I can watch porn and touch myself in a naughty way while leaving the blinds open and getting natural lighting.
Or is that too much information?
I'm gay.
There. Instead of coming out to only one person, I've come out to the 12.7 people who read this blog. And that's cool. Even though a couple of you may have already known that.
To be honest, I'm still kinda in the (non-gay-related) closet about one or two things, mostly having to do with work and such. People who know me in person generally know the details...those of you who want to know, well, come and meet me (this means you, Aryudata).
OK, OK, I will reveal ONE more thing about me: I live on the top floor of an 18-story building with no other buildings immediately next door, which means I can watch porn and touch myself in a naughty way while leaving the blinds open and getting natural lighting.
Or is that too much information?
Labels: Blogging, Life, Wandering Mind
Monday, October 01, 2007
7 Years and Counting
7 years ago today I started this blog.
Considering I'd never kept a written journal for longer than 2 weeks, that's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.
I still need to get my remaining archives posted here...the external hard drive where they're saved (the ones I managed to retain after the Diary-X crash) has gone bad, and I need to get a new drive and get the data off the old one if I can. I hope so...there may be a book in all this material. perhaps not a good one, but...
Here's where I was when this started, and where I am today:
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
Now, of course, I go by Will. Except by those who have known me longer than 10 years and can't change. Or by those also named Wililam who want to avoid confusion.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Now I'm 41, have finished my PhD, and taught at a university in the meantime.
Washington, DC is home for me.
Washington is still home for me, though since starting this I've also lived in Alabama and Colorado, then returned here last year.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
Well, River made it back from Dallas. But three months after starting this, we broke up. We remain very good friends, though, and he works less than a mile from me now, so we meet up for lunch pretty often. He's still very cute and very sweet. Soon after that breakup - 10 days, actually - was when Adrian and I met.
I love to travel.
No change there. Except now I've gone beyond Europe, which was my main destination at the time, and have had 3 trips to Southeast Asia and a few to Canada, as well as one trip to Russia. I've also been to a couple wars. Those were not so fun.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
Though I still believe in the philosophies of Wicca, I haven't been actively practicing for years. For me, it was always more of a philosophy than a religion, and it remains a factor that shapes my actions and my life. I think, at the time, I was looking for some more structure in my life, and Wicca provided it. Also, I look good in black.
As I re-read the first month's entries today I'm struck by how many of the people I mentioned still play a key role in my life. The bloggers I mention in there I have now mostly met, and one of them has become a very dear friend (hi, Scooter!). The friends in Dc are, for the most part, still here, and they are all still friends.
In the intervening years I have made a number of new friends all over the world...at the time, I had a philosophy that I wouldn't bother getting to know people online if I didn't think I would meet them someday. That philosophy has been good because it kept me from going overboard with online-only friendships, it encouraged me to get to know really good people, and it led me to make the effort to meet these people, which has thoroughly enriched my life, something as true during the last month as it was all those years ago. Most of those folks linked over on the left are people I've gotten to know since starting this...my life is so much better for knowing them.
Back then I seemed to be a much happier, much more relaxed writer. Certainly a bit funnier. I think part of it is, I had more to write about. The nature of my job now doesn't lend itself to much detail in a blog like this, and I also fear that I'm doing the very thing I tried hard not to do: falling into a boring, predictable pattern in life rather than experiencing lots of new things. Of course, I say that, then think about the trip I just took, and realize that can't really be the case.
Naturally, I had more time to write in school...I'd be working mostly at home so it was no problem to jump onto my blog site and write an entry. Now, I get home from work after sitting in front of a compuer all day and it's hard to take the time away from other things to write.
And of course, I am not the same person I was then. There have been some improvements, I've learned to relax a little bit, but on the whole, I'm not as happy with the person I am today. The changes that have occurred in me come from a variety of sources, some in my control and some not so much, but regardless of the reason, I don't like myself as much now as I did back then. Thinking about today's anniversary has given me a chance to reflect on why that is and consider what I might do about it.
One of my reasons for starting this journal of my life was I thought it would be cool to go back and look at old entries every now and then. I was right; it is. I can see what I was thinking all those years ago and trace the fun currents in my life ever since. I can see how I thought things would go and know how they really did. I can reflect on decisions and look at their results, unpredictable at the time but all too well-known now. I like that guy from 7 years ago. I think you would have liked him, too.
So...
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Wiliam/Bill/BillinDC/Will/BluDragon/'Tater Tom/Wei Lian/Doctor Goodenbed
Happy Anniversary to Me
I hope you'll stick around for another 7 years. I know I plan to. Thanks for reading.
Considering I'd never kept a written journal for longer than 2 weeks, that's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.
I still need to get my remaining archives posted here...the external hard drive where they're saved (the ones I managed to retain after the Diary-X crash) has gone bad, and I need to get a new drive and get the data off the old one if I can. I hope so...there may be a book in all this material. perhaps not a good one, but...
Here's where I was when this started, and where I am today:
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
Now, of course, I go by Will. Except by those who have known me longer than 10 years and can't change. Or by those also named Wililam who want to avoid confusion.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Now I'm 41, have finished my PhD, and taught at a university in the meantime.
Washington, DC is home for me.
Washington is still home for me, though since starting this I've also lived in Alabama and Colorado, then returned here last year.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
Well, River made it back from Dallas. But three months after starting this, we broke up. We remain very good friends, though, and he works less than a mile from me now, so we meet up for lunch pretty often. He's still very cute and very sweet. Soon after that breakup - 10 days, actually - was when Adrian and I met.
I love to travel.
No change there. Except now I've gone beyond Europe, which was my main destination at the time, and have had 3 trips to Southeast Asia and a few to Canada, as well as one trip to Russia. I've also been to a couple wars. Those were not so fun.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
Though I still believe in the philosophies of Wicca, I haven't been actively practicing for years. For me, it was always more of a philosophy than a religion, and it remains a factor that shapes my actions and my life. I think, at the time, I was looking for some more structure in my life, and Wicca provided it. Also, I look good in black.
As I re-read the first month's entries today I'm struck by how many of the people I mentioned still play a key role in my life. The bloggers I mention in there I have now mostly met, and one of them has become a very dear friend (hi, Scooter!). The friends in Dc are, for the most part, still here, and they are all still friends.
In the intervening years I have made a number of new friends all over the world...at the time, I had a philosophy that I wouldn't bother getting to know people online if I didn't think I would meet them someday. That philosophy has been good because it kept me from going overboard with online-only friendships, it encouraged me to get to know really good people, and it led me to make the effort to meet these people, which has thoroughly enriched my life, something as true during the last month as it was all those years ago. Most of those folks linked over on the left are people I've gotten to know since starting this...my life is so much better for knowing them.
Back then I seemed to be a much happier, much more relaxed writer. Certainly a bit funnier. I think part of it is, I had more to write about. The nature of my job now doesn't lend itself to much detail in a blog like this, and I also fear that I'm doing the very thing I tried hard not to do: falling into a boring, predictable pattern in life rather than experiencing lots of new things. Of course, I say that, then think about the trip I just took, and realize that can't really be the case.
Naturally, I had more time to write in school...I'd be working mostly at home so it was no problem to jump onto my blog site and write an entry. Now, I get home from work after sitting in front of a compuer all day and it's hard to take the time away from other things to write.
And of course, I am not the same person I was then. There have been some improvements, I've learned to relax a little bit, but on the whole, I'm not as happy with the person I am today. The changes that have occurred in me come from a variety of sources, some in my control and some not so much, but regardless of the reason, I don't like myself as much now as I did back then. Thinking about today's anniversary has given me a chance to reflect on why that is and consider what I might do about it.
One of my reasons for starting this journal of my life was I thought it would be cool to go back and look at old entries every now and then. I was right; it is. I can see what I was thinking all those years ago and trace the fun currents in my life ever since. I can see how I thought things would go and know how they really did. I can reflect on decisions and look at their results, unpredictable at the time but all too well-known now. I like that guy from 7 years ago. I think you would have liked him, too.
So...
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Wiliam/Bill/BillinDC/Will/BluDragon/'Tater Tom/Wei Lian/Doctor Goodenbed
Happy Anniversary to Me
I hope you'll stick around for another 7 years. I know I plan to. Thanks for reading.
Labels: Blogging, Friends, Life, Relationships, Wandering Mind, Website
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thankfully
I'm out of here Thursday for a couple days, down to see my parents for Thanksgiving. I think they figured they'd get me for either T-giving or Christmas but it looks like they might get me for both, depending on how things are going here.
I know I haven't written too much about the breakup situation, but that's because things are still confused. or at least, I'm confused, even if the things aren't. I don't know. It's hard to go from "relationship" to...what? About 10 years ago I broke up with someone after a year and a half, and it was something that had been coming for some time, so when it happened I felt relief. But now I'm on the other side of that, and I feel...unsettled. I'm really not sure where my mind is going, but the traveling has helped and no doubt will continue to do so.
But I'm doing OK, and thanks to all for the words of encouragement. And especially thanks to those friends here who have made me feel better and who have spent time with me lately. I appreciate it.
I watched Madonna's concert from London tonight on TV. I have to say, it's not exactly the same as being there. Wish I could have seen this tour -- I saw the last two and was in heaven both times -- but with the move out here this summer the timing was just bad, despite the fact she did shows in Philly and NYC. She didn't do one in DC because she's pissed at Bush (as is 60% of the American population) but I don't think he minded the lack of a concert as much as I did.
You know how I know it's the holiday season? Not the changing weather, not the decorations...it's the fact I'm getting sick. Normal for me, I suppose. The stupid germs are apparently alcohol-resistant, and trust me, I've checked thoroughly.
I know I haven't written too much about the breakup situation, but that's because things are still confused. or at least, I'm confused, even if the things aren't. I don't know. It's hard to go from "relationship" to...what? About 10 years ago I broke up with someone after a year and a half, and it was something that had been coming for some time, so when it happened I felt relief. But now I'm on the other side of that, and I feel...unsettled. I'm really not sure where my mind is going, but the traveling has helped and no doubt will continue to do so.
But I'm doing OK, and thanks to all for the words of encouragement. And especially thanks to those friends here who have made me feel better and who have spent time with me lately. I appreciate it.
I watched Madonna's concert from London tonight on TV. I have to say, it's not exactly the same as being there. Wish I could have seen this tour -- I saw the last two and was in heaven both times -- but with the move out here this summer the timing was just bad, despite the fact she did shows in Philly and NYC. She didn't do one in DC because she's pissed at Bush (as is 60% of the American population) but I don't think he minded the lack of a concert as much as I did.
You know how I know it's the holiday season? Not the changing weather, not the decorations...it's the fact I'm getting sick. Normal for me, I suppose. The stupid germs are apparently alcohol-resistant, and trust me, I've checked thoroughly.
Labels: Wandering Mind
